You may take a look at these blurred photos fused into a collage that makes it even less clear to see. Oh, forget the irony.
So this is what had kept me busy last night. This is my version of what has been the so-called vision board. Actually, the images I put in it are not only my goals in life. There go the pictures of myself, my family, my colleagues, personalities I look up to, quotable lines, stunning places, architecture of ideal buildings and houses, cars, and money. Will these photos actually boost my ego and trigger me to come up with a better version of “I”?
I’ll take this time as a moment for me to release my feelings as of today… Unlike my freshman year, I cry less now that I am a Sophomore. I am not just sure if it’s because I can already endure the pain or I am already immune to frustrations that it affects me no more or just too busy to entertain my emotions. What hurts? A lot… A myriad reasons of why I find myself on the verge of crying each time I realize that I may be alone. Perhaps I’m used to do my tasks all by myself and take struggles without having to demand anyone to help me get through. It’s not that I am a self-made man but I consider myself as someone who dares to strictly follow rules and finish requirements.
Nowadays, my happiness depends whether or not I get things done. It sounds simple yet is complicated within a process. I always want methods. I always want punctual. I always want substantive. I always want comprehensive. I always want compliance. I always want to give it my best shot that I find myself competing with myself upon whom I am being too hard on. I feel abused by my desire of putting myself into a pressurized dimension of the world. I even think it’s pleasurable if I get tired, exhausted, and stressed; because I am afraid of slacking off… that I won’t rather be carefree and laid-back if it means having done nothing productive at the end of the day.
Do you see my problem here? I swear I want a life lived in its fullest. I need it. But, how can I actually compensate for the lost of the things I sacrifice for the sake of something that I deem is more important? I had been beside my family for my first 16 years of existence. I don’t have a perfect one but I can say that its members are the ones who bring out the best in me. Now I am trying to stand by my own and live in a city far away from them. We may be miles apart but that doesn’t make me love them any less. Instead, I can feel that I am falling deeper in love with them each day that I spend while suffering with the aches of my mind and my heart. This is my decision. At some point, I have chosen this path and I have no plan of putting it off my system.
Typical student struggles: academics, allowance, peers, chores, doubts and insecurities, lackadaisical attacks, teenage issues, and a lot more. It has turned me insane in a subtle way. Yet I may find myself asking: What keeps me going all through these hardships when I can just stop and be a low-lying moron all my life? Do I even make sense? Is it even worth the fight? Who am I really? Why am I here in this damn place where survival is in the farthest reach of access? These questions kill me. It is quite a paradox that I am staying, living, searching for answers- just as I realize that the journey itself lets me hold on to hopes that I may eventually figure out what these all mean. I am strong for staying alive through my fears and weaknesses. I am a dreamer that still longs for an idealistic perspective whereas I will actually become the person I aspire to be.
Back to that vision board… well, it’s not actually a big, big deal. Fun, indeed. Such a material on my bedroom wall will remind me everyday that these are proofs that I can. I can do more. I can try harder. I can be better. Motivation doesn’t always have to mean deadlines, to-do-lists, calendars, alarm clocks, and whatsoever work-your-ass-off notes. Motivation can just be, merely, the life I had yesterday, the life I have today, and the life I will have tomorrow. Inspiration comes from within. It tells me, “Carry on” …there’s so much episodes to encounter. This is not yet the end- I am not yet there but I’m on my way.