Perhaps Not

Tonight, these days uh whatsoever, I could not contain the uncontrollable flow of noisy blank clouds in my mind. Is it because of my caffeine intake? Perhaps not.

Few minutes shall pass as of the time of typing this nonsensical post… then hurray! Here comes another week to live by. It’s been months since I’ve written down a latest update for my blog. I am just wondering what urged me to put up the next thing on my dashboard. Is it the thought of you that does not want to leave my full-blown poetic nature? Perhaps not.

I used to live a life where I would cherish solitude until you came into the picture. Here’s to a photograph of you that seems to be stuck on the process of developing. Here goes another reason to aim hitting the highest part that it becomes harder for me to catch up. Is it the memory that gets me distracted every time it hits me? Perhaps not.

Maybe I have been looking for something else to put the blame on… because since our paths meet for a reason, I just can’t decide on my own; because we started to tell stories, and to laugh, and to deal with the mess we have; because then I began to lose track of time and I began to worry and I began to speak up. It’s just too ironic that it’s too difficult to have the phrases verbalized. Yeah we could shout stuffs out loud without trying hard for a hint of such stupidity when kidding around. Is it because I’m way too weird for you to understand? Perhaps not.

Keep on ranting. Hell, just rant at this hour! Where are my scholarly articles now? I’ve thrown them into air, floating like how I’ve been kept hanging by the illusion that you are feeling the same way close enough for me to discover that I am not an epitome of a hopeless case gazing through emptiness… A space that I, my sole being, could only occupy. Is it scaring me that someday the truth might slap my face and yell a proof of my non-existent hopes? Perhaps not.

Uncertainty. I never felt so unsure before that doubts inside my head stay as sparks of light in the middle of an irresistible darkness. This is the kind of hell that makes my soul shiver, as I might say. There’s nothing so perfect about the day or the night yet we stay totally fine under pressure. You got no idea and it’s fair because I got no idea either… whether or not you have found this site. Deny. Is it likely to happen that we got to give a damn? Perhaps not.

See, how shitty I write now. See, how disorganized my terminologies are. I choose not to admit ‘cause I wouldn’t swear I’d stand by the unsaid words. It doesn’t take only bravery. It takes one’s life. Numbness is a bittersweet cover of damn’s entirety. After all, is it the end of my unnecessary, often misunderstood, freakiness? I’m sure, IT IS NOT.

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