Posts Tagged With: battle

What If Your Best Isn’t Good Enough

We all have that feeling of joys and of sorrows. These two are what basically consist our daily lives. It’s either we feel good or we feel bad about certain circumstances that may come our way. Days are hard-earned. Nights are sleepless. We sacrifice such chunks of comfort for the benefit of our larger aspirations.

At the end of every episode, rages another show in a series of memories that are supposed to teach us: Lessons… Lessons which are not similar to those that we learn from school wherein lectures are primarily given before the examination. In real life, we have to take the tests first, then lessons. We may eventually surpass ourselves.

Sentiments are everywhere located in each chapter of our own stories. Whether we like it or not, we are thrown here in this world to feel alive yet it is so paradoxical that there are times when the things which actually give us life are the same ones which nearly push us on the verge of giving up this battle called survival.

Have you experienced that moment when you seem to have done enough yet none of it will suffice the demands of the environment you are in? You try to search for anything to blame yet cannot find it because you think that I got this. You list down all the possible works you can do for hours, for days, for weeks, for months, and even for years to prepare for situations that perhaps bring you that rush of nervousness and excitement; but when time comes, that you almost had it all, the world is as if to slap right to your face the kind of mess that you have been. You will never be ready until you experience the conditions. A wild dimension is about to snatch you from those sweet tales into a tragic story of defeat.

What is wrong: to expect too much from yourself? to wait for something else to happen that is not meant for you? to assume success? Is it then alright to accuse yourself of being too much of a failure? One’s self who is nobody but a shadow. A shadow which is nothing but a mere existence of false hopes. -then you start to question the verity of life. You start to indulge your being into the darkness that leads no path.

 

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

– Fix You

 

Feel the wind all around
All the courage to be found
Who knows what’s out there
I know I’ll get there

– Still I Fly

 

If one thing I know, I’ll fall but I’ll grow
I’m walking down this road of mine, this road that I call home

– Am I Wrong

 

Now, here are songs you might like to listen to. Uplift the spirit that deserves no doubt, no insult, and no regret… for yourself is all that you have to stand up again. Yourself is all that you have to confront the challenges and beat them up- they may hurt you, cause you wounds, leave you scars; but they cannot suppress a spirit that stays faithful to its master.

What if your best isn’t good enough? is not a question but a threat to your character. You shall not be deceived by temporary knock down’s because the truth is, you can always get up. You can always fight back. You can always win in your own ways. Just by reaching your best shot, you had already aimed at victory. There’s no such thing as failing because you tried.

It is impossible for us to risk ourselves defending the ones we love, through terrifying attacks of courage and persistence, just for nothing. We are not here just for nothing. We are here to prove the worth we have been holding on for so long. We are here to claim the fact that we will carry on, no matter what.

Your best is more than enough.

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Categories: Inspire | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Metamorphosis of Love

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Life is not a series of chances but a series of choices.

A heart usually portrays the essence of love, of Romanticism, of people’s involvement in a relationship that demands commitment, trust, and loyalty; but a heart might mean a different thing that tries to incorporate a wider and deeper understanding of how love actually exists in a person’s life- where happiness stays and grows from within. However, the butterflies signify metamorphosis- an agent of change that persists to survive in this world.

Just because you want it, doesn’t mean you can get it. Destiny is not carved in stone because it is something you have to create on your own. Beyond the freedom set upon the spark of divinity that’s given from the very start, you get a life… full of uncertainties, doubts, and risks. You endure a battle and insist to win for you think of the importance of the things you love is what truly matters. But, is it really worth the fight? Do you deserve to fall in love that depends from the intensity of the presence of others? Does reality have to seem so vague that you associate real joy from the attachment you get used to? Is it then fair to blame circumstances when you lose yourself while finding the significance outside of it?

Perfection is imaginable yet it is not possible. It cannot be achieved. It is so unfair to expect something that goes too high enough to disrupt your view of reality. You accept the love you think you deserve that you eventually fail to realize that what you’ve been seeking for the whole time is already in front of you waiting to be held on for so long. You miss the chances that are reserved for you while chasing for the ones you desperately hope for. You end up undecided, left out unfulfilled. Is that what is considered as happiness? Of course not. You commit mistakes just like anyone else. The bottom line is, it might be too late to catch up with failures. You learn to let go.

What you believe keeps you going, isn’t it? What you believe is what triggers you to remain intact with your goals in life. You often accompany it with the thought of being extremely in love with something else. So when it is gone, the happiness fades away. That is what happens in a heart that is filled with butterflies. There are things, there are people… that will come and leave. Some will stay and others are meant to go away. Permanence is rare. Definitely, there are things that are bound to visit you temporarily. There will be a moment in your life when your actions are transformed into regrets. It makes you unsatisfied. Will things ever be put in their proper places? Yes. You just have to explore a great sense of being alive and discover that happiness is not all about romantic love, or gifts, or committing to someone, or keeping a promise- but about the innovation and development you attain while enduring the pain you receive and being passionate about your principles no matter what, each day.

Happiness is a choice yet so difficult to stand by it. Love freely. Who cares to give it back?

Categories: Feature Article\, Inspire, Reflection | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Faith that is Not Tested, is Not Faith At All

While the downpour of rain was heavy all day long last Saturday, I was able to grab my chance of clinging into my academic obligations. I did not fail, somehow, to comply with my to-do-list. Perhaps the weather was really gloomy and not everything inside our house had fallen in its proper place, I still tried to manage my schedule and my mood. That’s right; to manage myself and the actions I would take has always been necessary for a harmonious living- well, at least from my viewpoint.

Some readings I was trying to study that day is about the orientation towards being… something is about existentialism provided that the writer itself has this perspective saying Not that we believe that God does not exist, but we think that the problem of his existence is not the issue, and the other literary piece has been talking about this creatively ambiguous but witty format of what the persona aims to express; but justifiably, I got the gist of the articles I have read. Anyway, it’s all about how we’re to interpret the given symbolic entities which meanings invariably depend to our intellectual capacity and background. It’s up to me, actually, upon whose way of thinking I am made-up to affirm or deny, right?

We all know that in Philosophy, two major groups of people pave its path through the broadness and deepness of discussions- Christians and Atheists. I surely belong to the first one. I just can’t imagine how I was able to deal with the articles wherein atheistic viewpoints are technically considered. Each time I had to support my own ideology and never falter to what I have believed for more than a decade. I told myself that open-mindedness is not a bad thing at all. Essentially, it’s quite a brilliant means to transcend into reality without having to seem too arrogant, ignorant, conceited, and rude. Having an open mind to things doesn’t mean inability to decide for one’s self but maturity to cultivate the values that can eventually lead us to excellence and a better understanding of the world.

Last Friday night, when I am alone in our house and the storm was on its rage, I recorded my voice. This recording lasts exactly up to one minute as it plays. It is supposed to be an alarm which will of course motivate me to get up. Considering its inventive script and a bit proficient tone that speak in straight English, I honestly regarded this habit as some sort of fun. I’d have to adjust the volume to minimum so as not to frantically disturb others; though it’s fine if they’re interested in it.

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(Photo of me in Paoay Church, Ilocos Norte during our historical tour;

but Our Lady of the Atonement Cathedral is where I constantly go every Sunday)

Today is Sunday, the start of the week, when I’ve written this. I truly deem that waking up early contributes to man’s productivity and success. So it’s a deal for me to start a day or even a week right enough to make me feel so guilty if ever I do not keep hold of consistency. I am persistent about my dreams, and this blog of mine can attest to that.

Going to church becomes the fundamental system running throughout my character. I’m not the person whom anyone can convince not to go out for mass attendance, especially since when I have started my routine here in the City of Pines. It is a breath of fresh air, a lift of soul, a beat of heart, and clarity of mind- for me as a being. Tell-me-you-can’t-go-but-don’t-tell-me-I-can’t type of attitude is what I got.

Before I could stand under a shed to wait for PUJs, I passed through rustling winds and flooded streets; but still, I could feel the banality of what I am doing. Excitement is expected of me as I fulfill what I want, what I need. There’s this vehicle that stopped in front of me. An old man got off. He is familiar; I always see him on his way to church. He’s passionate about it and I can thoroughly confirm the verity of his faith. Perhaps he’s not too normal (I guess he’s ill due to age-related sickness) and I just can’t say what it is that bothers him. I just know he needs someone to accompany him whenever, wherever, because there’s no safe place nowadays.

Just like at that moment, he didn’t have an umbrella and the rain was pouring hard. It’s cold and I could see he’s tensed. Magsaysay PUJs passed but I am taking the Bonifacio route. So the man was. It’s as if he’s in a hurry not to get late for the mass (though it repeats hourly, in different languages). He’s about to get in a PUJ but its signboard said Magsaysay. God knows how I wanted to offer my umbrella to that man but there’s a bit of force that insisted not. But, when this driver saw the people waiting, he immediately changed his route. So an old couple, I, and the old devoted man, were able to take the ride. I felt an ease that we’re finally on our way to church.

Traffic was not too heavy maybe because it’s still early and the weather wasn’t too good. The PUJ stopped in front of the Cathedral and the vehicle was suddenly more than a half empty. As I crossed the road, I saw this familiar old man taking his steps towards the church. This time, I couldn’t let go of the chance that I might help him. I offered my umbrella and we both took some meters. All of a sudden, I remembered my grandfather. Is he doing fine in our home? Does he feel sick? Does anybody take good care of him? Does he miss me the way I do? Can he still endure and wait for me to get back? Tears watered my eyes but I couldn’t let it fall. For the first few times in months, I heard again the word “apo” (grandchild), with a different high impact melody in my ears. The old man was shivering and a strike of blame landed on me for not doing it so earlier. His age marked those slow footsteps and a notion of helplessness and uncertainty from the environment where he belongs; but I could perceive his hopefulness and it fueled me to keep going.

I thought, I just thought, I am very faithful and this is so exceptional about me. But no, I’m somewhat wrong. There are a lot more people like this man that is full of love for his devotion to God and passion for life. He might be alone at a sight, but inside he’s so full of faith that he couldn’t even think that nobody is there for him. His power of belief makes him stand, walk, and offer himself everyday that until now, he’s able to live. At that very moment of his tight grip (signaling a pinch of gratefulness that someone is confirmed to be there for him even at the slightest point of time), I felt so empowered.

Kindness is contagious. It comes from this man, not from me. I am merely one of the many noble instruments to make people be reminded that The Holy still exists and will always persevere because God doesn’t really leave. God is always here. God is always with us.

A lot of times go by that our faith is being tested without actually the recognition; it just happens. This story of mine for today is just one among the myriad instances that the power of love, hope, faith, and existence itself is realized. Each day can be a miracle, that we all breathe, that we’re all residents of Earth. We discover ourselves in every drop of a second and we explore our lives further not through our own but through our fellowmen.

As for me, I get inspired by you. Criticisms, adversity, loneliness, doubts, and emptiness get clearer every time. I am determined to face such struggles and fight for myself, fight for you, men of amazing faith; because you let me believe that I am not alone in this battle, that we can actually hold on to our beliefs, that we can actually carry on through our passion, that I naturally acquire this spark of love for humanity and that these testimonies trigger me to live. God is with us all the time at all places, in any condition. Impossible can be possible because we believe. God is whom we believe, that’s why we actually can.

Stronger, is how I call. Faith that is not tested, is not faith at all.

Categories: Daily Post, Inspire, Part of Me, Reflection | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Creeped Out Valentine’s

One of the toughest days I’ve ever had,

So help me God.

Those lines were the only thoughts that I was able to put into concrete terms as posted on my twitter and facebook accounts. Yesterday was full of hassles yet I don’t regret breathing, I don’t forget breathing. I survived anyway and most of all I managed myself. I managed to have my tasks done. I managed to live by the day. I managed to look forward for a rest when the night comes and eventually wake up on a beautiful sunrise. Perhaps it’s just too ideal but I liked it in some way that it could be an aid to keep me going and do better.

So I’m starting to recall what happened on the night of February 13. I was coping up with usual works both in school and in house. Well, I ate lunch and watched Penelope before I went back working. Procrastination is part of the process. I have five classes to deal with the next day, from 7:30 AM to 4:30 PM. In that case, I have to (at least) wake up before the clock strikes at 5 in the morning and take my daily dose of cold showers.

I thought I would be late in my PE classes for the first time because while on my way to school, vehicles were even more jammed. Lucky I was wrong because it’s our professor who came late for the first time. No, it’s not funny. I don’t like to be late either if that happened to me. The class reporters continued their very long discussions that already lasted for two weeks. I knew that we’re having a quiz when they finished. I was not able to prepare for it maybe because the notes as I could see were rigorous texts sticking on thick sheets. Ready or not, quiz started. I just answered the questions with all that I could. After that, I had a brunch in less than ten minutes. A friend chose to stay with me in the caf even if it meant reviewing along the offbeat notes breezing in… oh it’s Valentine’s Day. Some of the people would refer to it as S.A.D. representing Single Awareness Day (Who cares? I’m celebrating it for 17 years, by the way). Next class on Speech Communication coming in. Well, I’m kind of tensed whenever I’m thinking of the idea that I do not have any bloc mate; but since I really like our prof and her teaching styles, I’m kind of enjoying it, too. We had the lectures there and another activities that would keep bothering me as days got to pass by. It’s always like that. Flexibility is a must… versatility at its finest. From time to time, I’d have to update my personal and academic schedule in one.

I headed to JL Bldg. because I needed to have our research paper’s last chapter printed. Overpricing (to what I believe it is… because I used to walk near UC to look for  Piso Print Shops) was expected. Staple wires ran out, never mind. I was touched by a relief that I finished an output of one of the heavy papers we’re asked to write about. Next, I’ve had to stay in the library for an hour to please *note to self that I had to browse my Math lessons for the exam, though I couldn’t feel I’m prioritizing it. What’s the conflict going on between me and CRS during the time of constructing my class schedules? How on earth was I given history and math classes during holy hours? Practically, I couldn’t complain but I should feel grateful instead that I completed my units. I stopped pondering and went to CSS AVR for History class. I guess it’s in a good way that I ignored the urge of going to the comfort room because if not, it could have been too late for me to be informed that the room was moved to a farther building up there. I texted other classmates to tell them. We discussed stuffs and were given a bunch of readings (that’s not new to me anymore though it really costs me all the time). After that was the time to take the exam in Math. ‘Let it be’, I told myself. I found it something that was easy but was hard. Like, what? It’s always the feeling that I thought I knew what I was doing but I could have just been mistaken. Confidence was not always a good thing, you know.

I finished the exam in a few minutes, I think. So I hanged out with friends first. We bought some chocolate flower/ flower chocolate *whatever for ourselves. I felt cold, oh my. Then we went to the mall. When we got inside, we parted ways. Some went to the supermarket and the other went to see her boyfriend. What happened to me? I could finally pee. It’s almost 3 in the afternoon so I had to go back to the campus again. On the hallway, I saw another friend, Tyl complaining that her other friend, Agatha (whom I’ve seen near the gate as I entered) left because of their case study. So we’re currently the buddies. We stayed near CAC AVR wherein below of it is the Dap-ay and the view of the fair (CAC week) could be seen. Minutes passed and prof hadn’t arrived so I decided to put the papers on our green envelope downstairs. A pinch of boredom started to crawl on my nerves probably because of the lack of sleep and of the need for pigging out. Hormones aside, I could sometimes blame my vitamins. We looked among the items that were on sale. Tyl bought two books and when she’s about to put them on her bag, I heard her mention about the readings she just photocopied. She was right when she thought I needed the copies, too. (She had an embarrassing moment I wouldn’t tell.) We went to another building to get the readings I couldn’t describe more than being thick. I fell in line. Stairs seemed to be a long road at that time. After I’ve gotten my copies, we sat on a nearby bench for a while. She had classes to attend at 4:30 so I accompanied her to KA and I eventually went to the mall again.

I was on my way to the book store when I received text messages from Myca telling that she had her classes and those who have free time should already be in Dap-ay for the event preparation. I didn’t immediately respond because I was still wandering despite the fact that the crowd could even give a lot more stress to me. No, I’m not bitter. It’s just that I chose to have a different preference or mode of living on that nothing but an ordinary day. Yes, hearts day is an ordinary day. Although to some people, it’s the moment to show more love to their ‘special someone’. After thirty minutes, I had my phone ready for calls and messages then I went back to the campus. They were already fixing the settings. I put my bag on the chair and tried to help. The Bonfire Poetry Reading started exactly at 6 PM. The place was full of decorations, romantic lighting, grass field, rose petals and flowers, mattress, chairs, equipments, cameras, musical instruments, and ofcourse the bonfire. The event was really inspiring. Rather than feeling the tiredness I am bearing with me, I could feel a soothing essence the whole time… as I sat on the grounds near the bonfire. I could feel the intense performances. I could feel the passion of the performers. I clapped and smiled and laughed and fell in love as I sipped a cup of hot coffee. ‘What a relaxing way to end the day’, I said.

It was really dark when the program ended. I was alone and it’s quite frightening. The night was intimidating. The night reassured me of nothing. I never thought that there would be another tiresome moments. There were a lot of vehicles but none of them was suitable for me to ride on. My feet definitely brought me to a lot of places in Baguio City but I felt like there’s no hope of escaping the situation. I was really tired but I must not entertain this kind of feeling for I should reach home safely. I should be hard enough to contain all the happenings so I could separate myself from harmful elements, in any form. I was convincing myself the whole time that I could endure those hazards all by myself. It’s almost midnight and it’s becoming scarier. I risked to ride on a jeepney than having not to ride on anything at all. Nobody answered my calls. I was trying to forget all the negative possibilities that might occur on that wild night as I was keeping in mind that God is with me no matter what happens. I got out of the jeepney and I had to walk a distance. I was praying while I walked fast. I didn’t care about the curfew anymore. I just wanted to go home so badly. I held my phone. I gripped on my bag so tightly. City lights looked bright yet they were so far. My worries almost faded away but I could see an aggressive dog towards the street I’m heading to. It might chase on me anytime. Nobody would help me if I got bitten. Nobody was there whom I could share my fears with. A taxi came beeping on me (Oh Manong, where have you been?) and I got inside of it. It moved backwards as I pointed to Road 1 Extension. I didn’t care if he would get mad because it’s really for a very short distance. He asked why I was just standing there at the place where he had seen me. I answered him with all the truth that I was afraid of the dog. He was neither sarcastic nor annoyed with what I’ve said. It appeared to be like more of being concerned. Damn, I miss my family. No tears would fall.

The gate was locked. I shook it for chances that it might be opened or they would hear me. Minutes passed that all I could see was an enveloping darkness and I could hear the barking of the dogs. I climbed the very high sharp-edged fences. I might get hurt, I am not sure but that’s the only way I could enter. I threw my phone inside landing on the grasses, then my shoes, then my bag. I stepped on the grills and grabbed the branches of trees. I could be injured anytime or I could be blamed as if acting on a crime. I continued anyway I don’t intend to cause harm to anyone. I jumped. There I went rushing with my phone, shoes, and bag as I knocked to the locked screen door. Ate Shiela came over and opened it for me. She asked me why I came home late and I told her about the school activity. She asked me if I’m alright and I told her not too fine because I’m really tired. I was not able to fix my things anymore or even change my clothes. I was knocked out. I am alive, thanks be to God.

Next morning, I was about to go to the bath room but Ate Shiela came upstairs to ask me if I had seen her mobile phones. I just found out that they were lost since the night of thursday. It was shocking because we’re thinking that it’s impossible that they might be stolen from the ones outside. So the doubts were confined inside our house. I was afraid. Yes, I’m innocent. Yes, I have not done anything that’s wrong. Yes, it’s not my personal problem. But hey, it’s a serious case. Whatever the reason why her phones are lost is a threat to all of us here in this house. It’s either the same thing could happen to us or we could be blamed by the incident or simply because I could really feel that we’re all tensed and confused, especially the sadness that it had been bringing to Ate Shiela.

Valentine’s Day might not be as sweet to me as it did to others, but I was being trained to be more active in participating with what in life are real situations I shall get involved into. I explore a variety of the world’s dimensions and discover more about myself, about other people, and the linkages to our surroundings that form interaction and bind us together as one whole community… as one whole universe. If this is how I can be taught, I accept. I want to learn either the hard way or tactically. I just need my sanity.

Lord, enough for this day. Let us all heal our wounds first before an another bloody battle. Come join us in every struggle that we face, in every problem that we solve, and in every challenge that we continue to fight for.

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