Posts Tagged With: change

Marahil Mahalaga Ka

Hindi isang routine ang buhay. Kung labag sa loob mo ang linyang kasasabi ko lang, baka nga nabubuhay ka sa routine; pero hindi pa rin ito ang buhay. Pakiramdam ko kasi’y walang halaga ang paulit-ulit at nakakasawang sistema. Kaya nga siguro maraming nalilito maging iyong mga kabilang sa masang sumisigaw ng pagbabago.

Hindi nawawala ang pagbabago. Patuloy ito sa pagpuksa ng nakakairitang plaka na tila ba isinusumbat sa’yo na hindi ka makaintindi. Kahit na maintindihan mo, iiwan ka rin naman ng lumang istilong tinangay ng panahon. Lahat naman kasi ay pansamantala. Walang forever ba ang nasa utak mo? Tigilan mo ako.

Hindi nakukulong sa ilang pahinang depinisyon ang salitang maaaring bitiwan ng isang tao. Ang punto ko lang naman, bakit pa kailangang pag-aksayahan ng oras ang mga bagay na hindi naman pala sigurado? Oo punto ang tawag sa pangungusap na ‘yan bagamat nagtapos sa tandang-pananong. Ayoko naman na sagutin mo ako ng hinulaan mong parirala o ‘di kaya’y ninakaw na talata mula sa katha ng iba. Ang gusto ko ay unawain mo.

Unawain mong hangga’t may pagbabago ay may pagkakaiba. Unawain mong ikaw ay hindi tulad nila. Unawain mong ikaw ay may kakaibang hina at sigla. Ikaw ay may sariling halaga.

What completes me, breaks me in the process sabi ko. Paano? Alam ko kasing hindi madali na gumising na lang isang araw na okay ang lahat. Walang okay lang, sarkastiko. Nangangarap tayo. Ang pangarap kasi ay hindi lugar na magagawa mong pasyalan kung kailan mo gusto. Hindi ito laruan na itatapon mo sa nilalangaw na tambak ng basura kapag pinagsawaan. Ito ay paglalakbay. Nariyan na tamarin kang lumakad sa kung anumang dahilan. Nariyan na ma-excite ka, tumakbo, ayun nadapa. Nariyan na sasabihin mong ayaw ko na pero ang kailangan mo lang pala ay ang magpahinga. Mabuti nga at nabigyan ka ng pagkakataong magkaroon ng sarili mong lakbay. Nakakahiya naman sa ibang nilumpo ng nanggigipit na kalupitang kaakibat ng buhay. Itong hiya na ito ang nagpakapal ng mukha ko. Ang kahinaan ng iba ang ginawa kong sigla. Tila ba itinuring kong makina ang aking sarili upang magtrabaho hindi para sa sarili kong kapakanan; kundi para sa ikabubuti ng nakararami. Corny? Bahala ka. Para sa akin, isa itong sentimental na pangakong kailanman ay hindi ko iwawaksi. Kaya nga ganito ko na lang ipahayag kung gaano ako nasasaktan habang binabaybay ang peligrosong daan tungo sa kinabukasang siguro naman ay may hitik na bunga ng ating pinagsisikapang ipunla.

Madami akong isyu sa buhay. Halos lahat ng detalye ay iniintindi ko hangga’t mamaya, wala na pala akong oras para intindihin naman ang sarili. Alam kong ito’y mali. Anong klaseng pagpapahalaga ba ang maibibigay ng isang tao kung wala siya nito? Hayaan mong hanapin ko ang sagot mula sa mabangis na mundong kinabibilangan ng aking anino. Nakalahad ang palad ng naghihikahos na pulubing hindi mo alam kung kailan pa huling nagkaroon ng laman ang tiyan. Nakatulala ang manggagawang lugmok sa trabaho umulan man o umaraw na nadaya na pala sa kwentahan ng sahod. Nakapanlalambot ang istorya nila at ng iba pang mga kasama… silang mga biktima ng pang-aabuso ng dayuhan o ng kapwa Pilipino. Hindi mabibilang ang mga mensaheng nais iparating ng mga kaganapang hindi malutas. Nasa loob pa pala tayo ng giyerang ginagamitan ng basyo ng balang tumupok na pala sa napakarami nating mga kawal. Anong silbi ng ipinaglalaban nating mga aktibista kung patuloy palang nagaganap ang iba’t ibang uri ng karahasan sa paligid? Isang routine na paulit-ulit tumatatak sa nakapaninibughong kasaysayan ng pinaghalong tamis at pait. Isyu ko pa rin na hindi tayo malaya.

Ikaw, na bumabasa nito, ay mahalaga. Pinili kita kaysa iba. Pinipili kita higit sa anumang luho. Pipiliin kita sa aking pag-iisa, sa tuwing ako ay may kasama, kapag ay ako ay pagod, kapag ako ay inaantok, kapag ako ay nalulungkot, kapag ako ay natutuksong itigil na tingnan kita bilang mahalaga.

Sumusulat ako hindi mula sa ideolohiyang ipinipilit sa akin. Sinusulatan kita dahil marahil mahalaga ka.

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Hanggang Sa Muli

Ito na marahil ang unang post na ginamitan ko ng diskursong Tagalog; ngunit hindi ito ang nag-iisang post na gagamitan ko ng puso. Gusto kong maiba naman ang atakeng aking gagamitin upang maipahayag ang bugso ng aking damdamin. Sumusulat tayo hindi dahil inutos, hindi dahil pinilit, at higit sa lahat… hindi dahil upang magmalaki.

Ako ay isang manunulat hindi lamang dahil ito ang napili kong trabaho, kundi dahil ito ang aking buhay.

Naaalala ko pa ang mga lumipas na taon kung kailan ko ginugol ang aking kabataan bilang isang indibidwal na sanay na mag-isa at nabubuhay nang hindi humihingi ng kahit anong panahon mula sa kanyang mga kasama. Masaya ako dahil akala ko ay malaya ako sa ganoong sistema. Sa pagdaan ng ilan pang mga kabanata, aking napagtanto na may kulang pala. Bagamat hindi sa aking pagkatao, may kulang pala.

Ano ba ang kulang? Gaano ito katimbang upang magdulot ng epekto sa akin? Hindi ko kayang sagutin. Ako ay namamangha sa kung paano nga ba pinahihintulutan ng pagkakataon ang bawat pagbabagong maaaring maganap sa loob ng pahinang bumubuo sa nobelang alam kong akin.

Noon, sumusulat ako sapagkat kaya kong gumuhit ng sariling mundo. Ngayon, pakiramdam ko’y unti-unting nagbabalik ang bawat teksto na aking nailarawan. Mayroong parte ng aking pagkatao ang natatakot sa posibilidad na magkakatotoo ang bawat detalye. Labis na nakabibighani ang pagsasakatuparan ng pangarap na dati’y binibigkas lamang. Natatakot ako. Natatakot ako sapagkat hindi ko akalaing ang daigdig na pinaliit ng aking imahinasyon ay isang bulgar na pelikulang nagdidiiin sa bawat eksenang makatotohanan.

Magulo. Tulad ng aking kwarto kapag hell week, tulad ng aking buhok sa tugatog ng mahanging bundok, tulad ng aking malikot na pag-iisip. Maingay, tulad ng pagtibok ng aking puso sa tuwing maririnig ang yapak ng papalapit na banta sa aking propesyong napili. Malungkot, tulad ng pinaghalong init at lamig na patuloy na uusig sa aking konsensya kung ako ba ay nagkaroon ng silbi sa araw man o sa gabi. Mapanlinlang, tulad ng mga markang akala ko ay papasa dahil sa puyat at pagod na inabot. Mapanghusga, tulad ng bintang na ibabato habang patuloy kong tinatanong sa sarili, “Sapat ba ito?” Alam kong hindi. Hindi, kailanman, ako naging kontento.

Lahat na yata ng sakripisyo ay aking naranasan makarating lang sa inaasam na paraiso. Mabilis. Matagal. Madaming tukso. Ang paglalakbay pala na ito ay hango sa postura ng impyerno. “Sige, ituloy mo”, ang palagi kong sinasambit. Imbis na magsawa, kailangan kong masanay. Malupit ang hagupit ng bawat latigong katumbas ng pagkatalo. Mabangis ang mga naghihiyawang boses, nakabibinging katahimikan, at nagpupumiglas na kaluluwang nais kumawala sa rehas na nagkukulong sa kung anuman ang sigaw ng karakter na binuhay ng nag-aalab na apoy ng pakikidigma.

Malalim. Ang pinaghulugan ng aking ipinaglalaban, ang mga salitang akala mo hindi maiintindihan, ang pares ng matang nakikiusap sa paglabas ng katotohanan, ang sugat na dulot ng digmaan, ang hukay na nag-aabang. Isang maling galaw at “patay ka!”.

Mayroon pa ba akong dapat katakutan? Nasindak nang paulit-ulit, isang ritmong sumusunod sa musika ng daigdig. Mayroon pa ba akong dapat pagdudahan? Nasilaw sa makulay na palabas, isa palang pagtatanghal ng masasayang payasong sa likod ng entablado’y may mga luhang nakalulunod. Mayroon pa ba akong dapat sukuan? Nasaktan ng matatalim na sandatang ibinabato ng hindi naman lubusang kilala… sino ba sila? Ano ang ginagampanan ng mga elementong ito upang magpadala na lang ang sinuman sa agos ng walang patutunguhan? Hindi dapat. Hindi dapat sagutin ang mga tanong na wala namang kwenta – walang kwenta sapagkat nakasuot sila ng maskara. Hindi pala talaga ako nagtatanong kundi umiiwas. Duwag! Walang silbi ang umiwas sa responsibilidad na dapat ay pinagsisikapang tuparin.

Walang tigil akong pumipindot sa pagtipa ng aking keyboard dahil umaasa akong may mararating ang artikulong sinimulan kong kausapin. Ayaw nitong matapos. Ayaw ko rin, ngunit kailangan na.

Kailangan ko ng bumangon mula sa lugmok na istilo ng pakikibaka. Hanggang dito na lang muna. Sana bukas ay may mapatunayan na.

Hanggang sa muli.

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I’m running out of tears.

Rant. Or sentiments. Go type into words the feelings I am not even sure how to properly express. *sighs* *laughs out loud* *hashtag story of my life*

I could keep on talking to myself, talking to every people I see, talking about every issue I would hear about – I’ve changed. Years ago, I used to keep silent for hours whenever I feel frustrated; but I realize as time passed by, I am no longer that vulnerable girl who could just bear all her emotions without speaking herself out.

Since birth, I never had a love life. What keeps me inspired each time I need to get out of bed and be productive is the thought that I am given the opportunity to study. Yes, you read this right: Academics. Perhaps I am not that “grade conscious” type of student, I make sure that I’d be able to catch up everything that has something to do about schooling. I try my best to be a responsible, hardworking, motivated student. I have this strong drive to push myself to the limits because I know that if I study well, I could pay back the hardships of all the people who offer their sacrifices so I might be able to finish a degree and reach for my dreams.

Sleepless nights, restless days, hell weeks, haggard months, hardcore semester – college is, indeed, a pressure cooker! Who would have thought that a little girl who barely talked could take a Communication course at a country’s premiere university? Who would have thought that she might take the risk of failing so she could find out if she fits in? Who would have thought that she could go far away from home for consecutive months to study in an old, cold city? Who would have thought that she has to be me? Someone, please explain.

No point of reasoning may actually compensate for the numbness I feel at this moment. It’s that unfathomable expression of amalgamating emotions of “nothingness” and “the-whole-universe-combined kind of mood” both at once. Unbearable.

What am I actually ranting for? Unexpected defeats. These are the moments when it just feels like the world is slapping my face that’s already sore due to weeks of inconvenience. There seems to be no break from all the pain I’ve gained from working too hard – just heartbreaks. Sadly, there are heartbreaks. I experience heartbreaks from the things I am not even in a relationship with… but those things that I am in full commitment with. I fail even though I reviewed the notes. I fail even though I practiced the report. I fail even though I exerted my effort to present, to submit a requirement. There will be times, unavoidable ones, when my best isn’t even good enough for others.

Like a cycle, repeating itself, rolling over my almost-dead body. My almost-paralyzed brain. My almost-gone being. It would be easier if I cry this out and when it’s finished, the hurting is gone. But no. I was wronged. I discovered, in that isolated place where I am ready to give myself up, I couldn’t even cry. Not a single drop of tear is falling, as if my eyes are about to sweat at the top of a mountain full of snows that keep me cold all throughout.

Shall I pity myself for having that need to forcibly cry yet tears-not-found? – suggested by the robotic nature I’ve built up inside. I know myself. I couldn’t be numb but a routine of absorbing all the hurtful remarks has been mastered. I don’t want to call it unfair. I still hold on to that belief which promises me… I. could. be. better. than. this. The wind blows so roughly it messes up my hair. I feel teased at the mess summoning up my life. Still, I hold on to that belief which promises me… I would fix this soon if I started pulling myself together.

Are there any choices left? Aside from standing up each time I got myself knocked down. Aside from putting up a smile on my face behind each weary frown. Aside from telling “It’s fine” beyond mistakes. I don’t lie. I’m just doing a favor to the world. I’m just giving out what I lack, what I wasn’t able to receive… – and this is definitely to be interested with every story that I may encounter. It is to show appreciation to all the adventures I have the chance to explore.

So what remains to cry for? Tears no more.

At the end of the day, is the start of the night sky that is full of stars. I am on the process of training myself to indulge embracing such sense of strength… a sense of endurance from all the hatred I feel for myself. I am not sorry.

Dear, you are not sorry so don’t hide away from the transcending years. You, too, will soon run out of tears.

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Perhaps Not

Tonight, these days uh whatsoever, I could not contain the uncontrollable flow of noisy blank clouds in my mind. Is it because of my caffeine intake? Perhaps not.

Few minutes shall pass as of the time of typing this nonsensical post… then hurray! Here comes another week to live by. It’s been months since I’ve written down a latest update for my blog. I am just wondering what urged me to put up the next thing on my dashboard. Is it the thought of you that does not want to leave my full-blown poetic nature? Perhaps not.

I used to live a life where I would cherish solitude until you came into the picture. Here’s to a photograph of you that seems to be stuck on the process of developing. Here goes another reason to aim hitting the highest part that it becomes harder for me to catch up. Is it the memory that gets me distracted every time it hits me? Perhaps not.

Maybe I have been looking for something else to put the blame on… because since our paths meet for a reason, I just can’t decide on my own; because we started to tell stories, and to laugh, and to deal with the mess we have; because then I began to lose track of time and I began to worry and I began to speak up. It’s just too ironic that it’s too difficult to have the phrases verbalized. Yeah we could shout stuffs out loud without trying hard for a hint of such stupidity when kidding around. Is it because I’m way too weird for you to understand? Perhaps not.

Keep on ranting. Hell, just rant at this hour! Where are my scholarly articles now? I’ve thrown them into air, floating like how I’ve been kept hanging by the illusion that you are feeling the same way close enough for me to discover that I am not an epitome of a hopeless case gazing through emptiness… A space that I, my sole being, could only occupy. Is it scaring me that someday the truth might slap my face and yell a proof of my non-existent hopes? Perhaps not.

Uncertainty. I never felt so unsure before that doubts inside my head stay as sparks of light in the middle of an irresistible darkness. This is the kind of hell that makes my soul shiver, as I might say. There’s nothing so perfect about the day or the night yet we stay totally fine under pressure. You got no idea and it’s fair because I got no idea either… whether or not you have found this site. Deny. Is it likely to happen that we got to give a damn? Perhaps not.

See, how shitty I write now. See, how disorganized my terminologies are. I choose not to admit ‘cause I wouldn’t swear I’d stand by the unsaid words. It doesn’t take only bravery. It takes one’s life. Numbness is a bittersweet cover of damn’s entirety. After all, is it the end of my unnecessary, often misunderstood, freakiness? I’m sure, IT IS NOT.

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Never Hold Back, Youth Holds a Fight

A forum on STUDENT ACTIVISM Showcasing the Historic Role of Filipino Students on Nation Building and Genuine Social Change

Emergences of local and international issues that are vastly contributing to socio-economic political systems have been discussed by a speaker who seems professed on his discussions. Topics such as violation of laws (e.g. police brutality, campus repression, continuous plundering), Post-Martial Law, Human Rights, Militarization, ISIS on world order domination, societal divide, educational maturation of the Philippine electorate, bureaucrat capitalism, development on socialism, ruling classes, indigenous people, collective rather than monopolize leadership, and national democratic point of view are discerned through their interconnectedness with the current events happening in the society. An abundant historical knowledge of student movements are substantiated through myriad evidences that lead to a single stance: the youth has been serving as the nation’s catalyst for change in various ways.

Prof. Mykel Andrada has deliberated a comprehensive report entitled Role of the Youth in Nation-Building and Social Change. It has been said that with the assistance that the modern technology provides us, the youth is being challenged to establish more relevant concerns. This may enhance not only a person’s outlook towards a progressive perspective but the enrichment of an entire system’s functions as well. Quotations from familiar sources are cited for further illustration of what is being talked about. One of them is an excerpt from an article Youth on the March, 1968: “A nation that does not continuously renew itself through progressive-minded and militant youth cannot possibly advance. A world of timid and apathetic youth will merely feed all the regimes of injustice and exploitation with a constant flow of manpower for exploited labor and cannon fodder for unjust wars.” Here, to rebel is justified has its meaning emphasized.

Student activism is more than just a political agenda, more than just a flaunt of influence, more than just a physical presence- for it awakens the spirit of awareness among the citizens of a state whereas the moment that unity offers its aid, is the time of global empowerment. As how the usual saying goes Youth is the hope of our nation; through acts of involvement, comes a compelling discourse on how a person can inspire significant drive to transcend advocacies into success. It is through student activism where future pioneers are rooted from. It fuels larger possibilities and greater outcomes to finally take over the dogmatic realms which challenge the capacity of every individual to choose whether to remain stagnant or keep fighting.

            Social investigation, facts gathering, analyzing, critical thinking, making a stand, planning, and acting may sound simple. The complexity lies within how these terms are put into actualization. Once the purpose is realized, the passion for revolution burns with a brighter flame. Life is vital, as survival encourages risks. Life becomes more meaningful if spent in service.

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Jitters

Morning dew

Sunlight rays through

The glass windows

Opening another day

 

Scorching heat

Another time to beat

Weary eyes

Skimming through crowd

 

Before the crown

Sets off again

Ask the train

A route to go

 

Where art thou

Fruits and juices

Of blood and sweat

Hard-earned survival

 

Lethal fate injects

Passed grades

Apart from stains

Of tears and dirt

 

Less than is not

What she settles for

Try second, strive first

Until she jitters.

 

 

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The Metamorphosis of Love

SAM_9567

Life is not a series of chances but a series of choices.

A heart usually portrays the essence of love, of Romanticism, of people’s involvement in a relationship that demands commitment, trust, and loyalty; but a heart might mean a different thing that tries to incorporate a wider and deeper understanding of how love actually exists in a person’s life- where happiness stays and grows from within. However, the butterflies signify metamorphosis- an agent of change that persists to survive in this world.

Just because you want it, doesn’t mean you can get it. Destiny is not carved in stone because it is something you have to create on your own. Beyond the freedom set upon the spark of divinity that’s given from the very start, you get a life… full of uncertainties, doubts, and risks. You endure a battle and insist to win for you think of the importance of the things you love is what truly matters. But, is it really worth the fight? Do you deserve to fall in love that depends from the intensity of the presence of others? Does reality have to seem so vague that you associate real joy from the attachment you get used to? Is it then fair to blame circumstances when you lose yourself while finding the significance outside of it?

Perfection is imaginable yet it is not possible. It cannot be achieved. It is so unfair to expect something that goes too high enough to disrupt your view of reality. You accept the love you think you deserve that you eventually fail to realize that what you’ve been seeking for the whole time is already in front of you waiting to be held on for so long. You miss the chances that are reserved for you while chasing for the ones you desperately hope for. You end up undecided, left out unfulfilled. Is that what is considered as happiness? Of course not. You commit mistakes just like anyone else. The bottom line is, it might be too late to catch up with failures. You learn to let go.

What you believe keeps you going, isn’t it? What you believe is what triggers you to remain intact with your goals in life. You often accompany it with the thought of being extremely in love with something else. So when it is gone, the happiness fades away. That is what happens in a heart that is filled with butterflies. There are things, there are people… that will come and leave. Some will stay and others are meant to go away. Permanence is rare. Definitely, there are things that are bound to visit you temporarily. There will be a moment in your life when your actions are transformed into regrets. It makes you unsatisfied. Will things ever be put in their proper places? Yes. You just have to explore a great sense of being alive and discover that happiness is not all about romantic love, or gifts, or committing to someone, or keeping a promise- but about the innovation and development you attain while enduring the pain you receive and being passionate about your principles no matter what, each day.

Happiness is a choice yet so difficult to stand by it. Love freely. Who cares to give it back?

Categories: Feature Article\, Inspire, Reflection | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Escapist No More

Why can’t it be

Just a pathway full of roses

Leading to a sunset view

Where the one you’ve always dreamed of waits~~

KC Concepcion’s Not Like the Movies

Oh, wait. Look who’s here …

Image

Throwbaaaack from the time when I was 14 (turning 15 in less than two weeks).

My aunt took a couple pictures of me v^.^v

Now that I am turning 17 in less than three weeks, I can say that things change like seasons do. Two years had passed, giving me so much to remember- be it happiness, sorrow, excitement, madness, fright… anything. I can’t deny the nostalgia that it brings me whenever I had the chance to reflect.

If you had ever heard of Not Like the Movies sung by KC Concepcion, I guess it’d be easier for you to put your self through the perspective I’m seeing. Technically, I must realize I’m not getting any younger. Prior to this, I’ve found a way to relate a song, a collage, and a life of a young woman who loved fantasizing. She’d gotten so in love with the world created by her mind; that when it’s time to return to reality, she just wouldn’t stop asking why things wouldn’t just fall into their proper places. Why couldn’t the situations be like the ones she had imagined?

Grow up, man. I always tell myself to embrace maturity but now I must say, this is something I can’t earn in a blink of an eye. Age can’t even dictate a person’s maturity level perhaps it’s a factor. Over the years, I’ve fallen, I’ve cried, I’ve got so scared, I’ve planned stepping back, I’ve been defeated… I was wounded, scarred, and eventually healed. That’s a natural cycle, isn’t it?

Well, upon enumerating some of the things I went through, I shall be brave enough to ask myself: Could I be any braver, wiser, and stronger if not because of those experiences which had taught me to keep on going and never get tired of standing up?

I’m your average dreamer
I’m a true escapist
Always expecting a happy ending

– Good bye to this song that will always play on my soundtrack to remind me that change is vital, it keeps us moving.

…because today, I don’t wish for happy ending; yet I look forward for greater possibilities I may encounter along this journey of human life. Extraordinary.

There’s no more of that escapist inside me. I’ve faced tough situations, so I can do it until this story of mine is done. It shouldn’t fade away. I’d keep the fire burning everyday.

Categories: Part of Me | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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