Posts Tagged With: character

Pain won’t hurt if you don’t let it consume you.

Here I go again with the deepness of my character that is observably inherent through my thoughts.

Some days I feel in love I’ll type in Perhaps it’s terrifying to choose gray out of a thousand hues to be found; But still- I’m fascinated, not just with colors but, because you are around. Some days I feel frustrated I’ll type in The world is a battleground. Life is not a game and you’re not an spectator. What’s frustrating is that you lose just when you thought you’d be a warrior.

Even I – can’t predict myself. I think too much yet I have an impulsive nature. I have to make the actions even if I am not too sure. All I know is… I have to keep moving. I have to keep myself busy to get away from the negative things dragging me down.

When I was younger, I used to divert my attention into writing anything. I don’t care about rules, I just do the process. I learned to play games. I am involved with a lot of sports activities. One of my favorites is athletics. I’ve always wanted to run. In running, I feel free. It’s wonderful to just feel the air rushing against my skin. It’s wonderful to pour my sweat, and blood at times I fall, into the grass fields and the cemented roads and the muddy paths and more set-ups. It brings me anywhere. I won’t notice I’m tired because everything that I see is another dimension of the world which is beyond my control.

Now that I’m taking up more mature roles, I forget how it feels like not to be tired anymore. I am so drained physically, emotionally, and mentally. One moment, I’m happy. The next few seconds, I’m mad. I can’t calculate the momentum of my shifting moods. In fact, I am actually trying my best to stay inspired, to look at things in a positive way, to make myself believe that we’ll all turn out to be okay -but it’s not true. I’ve experienced downfalls and they all transform me into someone I’m not used to be. I’m striving to remain being the idealistic, excited kid. It just so happens that I finally decided to be a realistic, numb lady who’d become old staring at each error and hating herself for putting others down. (It’s a mystery when she’d realize she overlooks to avoid being too hard on herself.)

I’ve been writing and running all day long and through the night. What else is left to do? Could I ever find something that would somehow make me forget this sensation of being worthless? I need a sense of fulfillment, too. I need something that might let me feel I have a value. Pain won’t hurt if you don’t let it consume you. What does it mean? Huh, I’m too deep I shall be buried no more. I need a catalyst. I need a catharsis.

I work too much. I do workloads that are far different from my field… such as cleaning. Instead of wasting my time being a hardened potato in the corner, I choose to be a restless piece of walking disaster. I clean here. I clean there. I finish tasks I’m not obliged to do. I finish them with flying colors. For a few times, I want to make myself proud. I want to know again how achievement feels like. A reflection suddenly dawned on me: that other people’s affirmation do not actually matter as much as I thought they do. Before others could praise me, I have to first search the assurance that I got this because I have myself completely in this journey.

I clean the house- different parts of it. I fix my things- with details organized. These little acts are probably not seen as significant as they actually are in real terms. This is what people often take for granted- the silly dramas. Don’t you notice? …Society gets unproductive if all of its members let the pain of rejection (from their set of universe) permeate their way of living. Pain definitely comes from an irresponsible individual’s cultured disease called ignorance. It consists of the passivity and arrogance that fully consume a person’s flesh and cells. It hurts so much one is tempted to just let life pass by so he/she almost eventually die.

I don’t say clean your room to finally find contentment and peace of mind. I say be ambitious all over again enough to start rebuilding faltered hopes each time it seems like the end. Catch attention. Do good for others. Yourself is not the only creature residing on Earth. Contribute your own little ways. Never let anything stop you …no matter how much it freaking hurts. Haunt pleasure in pain, darling. We all suck at some point but we’ll be good anyway.

This article sucks but I’ll produce something good someday.

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What If Your Best Isn’t Good Enough

We all have that feeling of joys and of sorrows. These two are what basically consist our daily lives. It’s either we feel good or we feel bad about certain circumstances that may come our way. Days are hard-earned. Nights are sleepless. We sacrifice such chunks of comfort for the benefit of our larger aspirations.

At the end of every episode, rages another show in a series of memories that are supposed to teach us: Lessons… Lessons which are not similar to those that we learn from school wherein lectures are primarily given before the examination. In real life, we have to take the tests first, then lessons. We may eventually surpass ourselves.

Sentiments are everywhere located in each chapter of our own stories. Whether we like it or not, we are thrown here in this world to feel alive yet it is so paradoxical that there are times when the things which actually give us life are the same ones which nearly push us on the verge of giving up this battle called survival.

Have you experienced that moment when you seem to have done enough yet none of it will suffice the demands of the environment you are in? You try to search for anything to blame yet cannot find it because you think that I got this. You list down all the possible works you can do for hours, for days, for weeks, for months, and even for years to prepare for situations that perhaps bring you that rush of nervousness and excitement; but when time comes, that you almost had it all, the world is as if to slap right to your face the kind of mess that you have been. You will never be ready until you experience the conditions. A wild dimension is about to snatch you from those sweet tales into a tragic story of defeat.

What is wrong: to expect too much from yourself? to wait for something else to happen that is not meant for you? to assume success? Is it then alright to accuse yourself of being too much of a failure? One’s self who is nobody but a shadow. A shadow which is nothing but a mere existence of false hopes. -then you start to question the verity of life. You start to indulge your being into the darkness that leads no path.

 

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

– Fix You

 

Feel the wind all around
All the courage to be found
Who knows what’s out there
I know I’ll get there

– Still I Fly

 

If one thing I know, I’ll fall but I’ll grow
I’m walking down this road of mine, this road that I call home

– Am I Wrong

 

Now, here are songs you might like to listen to. Uplift the spirit that deserves no doubt, no insult, and no regret… for yourself is all that you have to stand up again. Yourself is all that you have to confront the challenges and beat them up- they may hurt you, cause you wounds, leave you scars; but they cannot suppress a spirit that stays faithful to its master.

What if your best isn’t good enough? is not a question but a threat to your character. You shall not be deceived by temporary knock down’s because the truth is, you can always get up. You can always fight back. You can always win in your own ways. Just by reaching your best shot, you had already aimed at victory. There’s no such thing as failing because you tried.

It is impossible for us to risk ourselves defending the ones we love, through terrifying attacks of courage and persistence, just for nothing. We are not here just for nothing. We are here to prove the worth we have been holding on for so long. We are here to claim the fact that we will carry on, no matter what.

Your best is more than enough.

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Faith that is Not Tested, is Not Faith At All

While the downpour of rain was heavy all day long last Saturday, I was able to grab my chance of clinging into my academic obligations. I did not fail, somehow, to comply with my to-do-list. Perhaps the weather was really gloomy and not everything inside our house had fallen in its proper place, I still tried to manage my schedule and my mood. That’s right; to manage myself and the actions I would take has always been necessary for a harmonious living- well, at least from my viewpoint.

Some readings I was trying to study that day is about the orientation towards being… something is about existentialism provided that the writer itself has this perspective saying Not that we believe that God does not exist, but we think that the problem of his existence is not the issue, and the other literary piece has been talking about this creatively ambiguous but witty format of what the persona aims to express; but justifiably, I got the gist of the articles I have read. Anyway, it’s all about how we’re to interpret the given symbolic entities which meanings invariably depend to our intellectual capacity and background. It’s up to me, actually, upon whose way of thinking I am made-up to affirm or deny, right?

We all know that in Philosophy, two major groups of people pave its path through the broadness and deepness of discussions- Christians and Atheists. I surely belong to the first one. I just can’t imagine how I was able to deal with the articles wherein atheistic viewpoints are technically considered. Each time I had to support my own ideology and never falter to what I have believed for more than a decade. I told myself that open-mindedness is not a bad thing at all. Essentially, it’s quite a brilliant means to transcend into reality without having to seem too arrogant, ignorant, conceited, and rude. Having an open mind to things doesn’t mean inability to decide for one’s self but maturity to cultivate the values that can eventually lead us to excellence and a better understanding of the world.

Last Friday night, when I am alone in our house and the storm was on its rage, I recorded my voice. This recording lasts exactly up to one minute as it plays. It is supposed to be an alarm which will of course motivate me to get up. Considering its inventive script and a bit proficient tone that speak in straight English, I honestly regarded this habit as some sort of fun. I’d have to adjust the volume to minimum so as not to frantically disturb others; though it’s fine if they’re interested in it.

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(Photo of me in Paoay Church, Ilocos Norte during our historical tour;

but Our Lady of the Atonement Cathedral is where I constantly go every Sunday)

Today is Sunday, the start of the week, when I’ve written this. I truly deem that waking up early contributes to man’s productivity and success. So it’s a deal for me to start a day or even a week right enough to make me feel so guilty if ever I do not keep hold of consistency. I am persistent about my dreams, and this blog of mine can attest to that.

Going to church becomes the fundamental system running throughout my character. I’m not the person whom anyone can convince not to go out for mass attendance, especially since when I have started my routine here in the City of Pines. It is a breath of fresh air, a lift of soul, a beat of heart, and clarity of mind- for me as a being. Tell-me-you-can’t-go-but-don’t-tell-me-I-can’t type of attitude is what I got.

Before I could stand under a shed to wait for PUJs, I passed through rustling winds and flooded streets; but still, I could feel the banality of what I am doing. Excitement is expected of me as I fulfill what I want, what I need. There’s this vehicle that stopped in front of me. An old man got off. He is familiar; I always see him on his way to church. He’s passionate about it and I can thoroughly confirm the verity of his faith. Perhaps he’s not too normal (I guess he’s ill due to age-related sickness) and I just can’t say what it is that bothers him. I just know he needs someone to accompany him whenever, wherever, because there’s no safe place nowadays.

Just like at that moment, he didn’t have an umbrella and the rain was pouring hard. It’s cold and I could see he’s tensed. Magsaysay PUJs passed but I am taking the Bonifacio route. So the man was. It’s as if he’s in a hurry not to get late for the mass (though it repeats hourly, in different languages). He’s about to get in a PUJ but its signboard said Magsaysay. God knows how I wanted to offer my umbrella to that man but there’s a bit of force that insisted not. But, when this driver saw the people waiting, he immediately changed his route. So an old couple, I, and the old devoted man, were able to take the ride. I felt an ease that we’re finally on our way to church.

Traffic was not too heavy maybe because it’s still early and the weather wasn’t too good. The PUJ stopped in front of the Cathedral and the vehicle was suddenly more than a half empty. As I crossed the road, I saw this familiar old man taking his steps towards the church. This time, I couldn’t let go of the chance that I might help him. I offered my umbrella and we both took some meters. All of a sudden, I remembered my grandfather. Is he doing fine in our home? Does he feel sick? Does anybody take good care of him? Does he miss me the way I do? Can he still endure and wait for me to get back? Tears watered my eyes but I couldn’t let it fall. For the first few times in months, I heard again the word “apo” (grandchild), with a different high impact melody in my ears. The old man was shivering and a strike of blame landed on me for not doing it so earlier. His age marked those slow footsteps and a notion of helplessness and uncertainty from the environment where he belongs; but I could perceive his hopefulness and it fueled me to keep going.

I thought, I just thought, I am very faithful and this is so exceptional about me. But no, I’m somewhat wrong. There are a lot more people like this man that is full of love for his devotion to God and passion for life. He might be alone at a sight, but inside he’s so full of faith that he couldn’t even think that nobody is there for him. His power of belief makes him stand, walk, and offer himself everyday that until now, he’s able to live. At that very moment of his tight grip (signaling a pinch of gratefulness that someone is confirmed to be there for him even at the slightest point of time), I felt so empowered.

Kindness is contagious. It comes from this man, not from me. I am merely one of the many noble instruments to make people be reminded that The Holy still exists and will always persevere because God doesn’t really leave. God is always here. God is always with us.

A lot of times go by that our faith is being tested without actually the recognition; it just happens. This story of mine for today is just one among the myriad instances that the power of love, hope, faith, and existence itself is realized. Each day can be a miracle, that we all breathe, that we’re all residents of Earth. We discover ourselves in every drop of a second and we explore our lives further not through our own but through our fellowmen.

As for me, I get inspired by you. Criticisms, adversity, loneliness, doubts, and emptiness get clearer every time. I am determined to face such struggles and fight for myself, fight for you, men of amazing faith; because you let me believe that I am not alone in this battle, that we can actually hold on to our beliefs, that we can actually carry on through our passion, that I naturally acquire this spark of love for humanity and that these testimonies trigger me to live. God is with us all the time at all places, in any condition. Impossible can be possible because we believe. God is whom we believe, that’s why we actually can.

Stronger, is how I call. Faith that is not tested, is not faith at all.

Categories: Daily Post, Inspire, Part of Me, Reflection | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Embracing Adversity; So it will soon let go of me.

I know I’ve been hating myself for this

But it won’t last I promise

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Red and green lights on the street

Creates the shadow out of me

Walk fast through the noise and heat

Take the route I cannot see

 

Slow down, stop, then go

Discover paths I did not know

Not too certain where it leads

Aim, still, what it needs

 

Nobody reads what’s inside

If I am scared or naive or tensed

Alive or have somehow died

Sincerity for me bears sense

 

When the day just started

As early as the visit of Dr. Exhausted

It all goes weird I’m tired of toil

Subtle swallowing of soil

 

I am born this way so sweetly

But why does it taste so bitter

That I am not the person I want to be

Higher, farther, more, and better

 

Jammed on a traffic

Freedom I seek

Let go, when is the time

Sooner as it leaves the rhyme

 

Now do I even feel

Like I soar above

Or sink beneath

The doldrums of stability

 

Nothing farther

Nothing new

Confined myself, encapsulated

Stuck on the edge

 

Dusk, go home where it embraces me

Dawn, for another hope

Each day I learn

That I do not change in a blink of an eye

 

Fall asleep and wake up

With such spark of madness

And make it glow

No matter what it takes

 

If I truly love a thing

Fight for it, a must

Bring out the rhyme and rhythm

Not because I am comfortable with it

 

Perhaps it weakens me

At this spot

But it is also within

Where I will gain

 

My strength in any adverse state of mind.

 

Categories: Part of Me, Poetry, Reflection | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Growth Rings

Image

First of all, I wanna greet this woman who inspires me in many ways- a happy happy birthday! To my dearest Emily Browning, who played the role of Baby Doll in an American fantasy action film ‘Sucker Punch’, may you continue to live a life to the fullest and inspire more people with your wonderful ways. God Bless ♥

P.S. Her birthday was on the 7th day of December. *Timeline circumstance 😉

I’m going to share today an insight about the class I attended in Speech Communication.

Growth Rings

A soothing music pacified the atmosphere of the Speech laboratory as part of the activity that we’re supposed to have on that day. We were asked to rearrange our seats where we would feel undisturbed. Momentarily, all we have to do was to focus within ourselves; then nobody else matters. I am aware of the aspect that was being aimed at during the time when we closed our eyes- Intrapersonal Communication.

Provided the colored paper that we’re going to use, there was this set of instructions to be followed as we go along the process of self-communicating. Since we only have to mind our own businesses, my attention was only centered to what I should do and not to what others were doing. Generally, I’d have to draw a tree. I started drawing its roots: the people who raise me and nurture me as I grow. I owe them this wonderful life. The next part was the trunk where nothing was depicted except for some strokes of curved lines forming layers of semi-circle on the rightmost part. Then I drew the branches: the significant people who made my life even more special. Thereafter, the topmost components were drawn such as flowers, leaves, and fruits. Each of them brought an impact to me as a person: the flowers contained happiness, the changes were inside the leaves, and the fruits portrayed my achievements.

Upon seeing the completed structure of the tree, I felt something that fulfilled me. It was an unusual kind of emotions which lingered through my veins. Looking at my drawing was like reflecting on a mirror wherein I could see myself not just with a single perspective, but with a variety of hopes, dreams, and wishes. All those sketches were undoubtedly the scattered pieces of me trying to reconnect so as to realize the reasons why I’ve hold on for so long. The tree made me reflect the purpose of my existence. My parents, grandparents, siblings, distant relatives, and friends were the casts behind these strengths and weaknesses. The signs of places and material things came in through thick and thin. In my sight, they all swayed in harmony; a balance between positivity and negativity. Rise when I fail. Bend when I’m about to break. Take a rest if I must, but do not quit. Those are the words that express how much inspired I am to see a healthy living tree inside of me.

Among all the subparts, there was one independent section that I volunteered to draw. I believe that every tree of life has this portion. When thinking of a symbolic representation of maturity, survival, and vitality, I suddenly thought of putting up the illustration of growth rings. Having it placed on a medium-sized yet tough-looking trunk showed the courage I had through the years. Also, the growth rings served as interface between the nourishing roots through the sturdy trunk and the branches carrying out the flowers, leaves, and fruits that spiced up the color of my life, my world. I just loved everything about it. It was imperfect; perhaps I knew it’s real!

Comprehensively, I learned a lot from this creative exercise- not just academically but in a holistic manner unto which we could discover the better versions of ourselves and explore the outer and inner world. It’s important for the people to appreciate life by taking a time to reflect about one’s self and his/her environment. We often forget the value of ourselves that we lose track of the path we’ve wanted to take until we’ve rebuilt the understanding on how important it is to have our lives been lived to the fullest. Always remember that while there is life, the growth rings shall stay forever… Keep going and make your life remark a greater character!

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