Posts Tagged With: feelings

Broken-hearted ako.

…kasi hindi nagkatuluyan ang mga karakter na binuhay ko sa ginagawa kong kwento.

Nakakaasar dahil sabi ko nga, “The process is self-consuming… dahil bago pa man mabigyan ng kulay ang mundo niyo, napaglalaruan muna ang damdamin naming manunulat.”

Ang isang manunulat ay guguhit ng istorya na malapit sa puso niya. Kasabay nito ay ang pagbibigay ng sarili sa mundong siya mismo ang lumikha. May mga kabanatang dadalhin ang mga mambabasa, tagapakinig, o manonood sa katumbas na pakiramdam kung paano nga ba ang umibig. Mayroon din namang kabanatang ipaparamdam sa kanila nang paulit-ulit ang sakit ng bawat pagkabigo. Higit sa lahat, bago ihain ang mga emosyong ito sa iba, nabugbog muna ng tamis at pait at pinaghalong timpla ang kung sino ba ang gumawa ng teksto. Sino ba ang unang nakaranas nito?

Akala ko noon ang pagsusulat ay napakalaya… tipong patuloy lang akong magbubukas ng pinto sa napakalawak kong imahinasyon na lalong nagpapaliit sa mundong ginagalawan ko. Ang pagsusulat pala ay isang sumpa. Kagaya ngayon, hindi ko sigurado kung may patutunguhan ba itong paglalahad ko sa kung paano binabago ng pagsusulat ang pananaw ko sa buhay. Saan ako dadalhin? Hindi ko alam.

Sa kabila ng napakaraming tanong sa aking isipan na hindi ko matuldukan, akin muling bubuuin ang mga pirasong kung saan-saan ko natatagpuan. Palagi ko pa rin tatanggapin ang mga bagong kwentong dapat maibahagi naman sa iba sa pamamagitan ng aking pagsasalarawan. Eh ano kung masaktan.

Eh ano naman kung hindi pala tayo.

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I’m running out of tears.

Rant. Or sentiments. Go type into words the feelings I am not even sure how to properly express. *sighs* *laughs out loud* *hashtag story of my life*

I could keep on talking to myself, talking to every people I see, talking about every issue I would hear about – I’ve changed. Years ago, I used to keep silent for hours whenever I feel frustrated; but I realize as time passed by, I am no longer that vulnerable girl who could just bear all her emotions without speaking herself out.

Since birth, I never had a love life. What keeps me inspired each time I need to get out of bed and be productive is the thought that I am given the opportunity to study. Yes, you read this right: Academics. Perhaps I am not that “grade conscious” type of student, I make sure that I’d be able to catch up everything that has something to do about schooling. I try my best to be a responsible, hardworking, motivated student. I have this strong drive to push myself to the limits because I know that if I study well, I could pay back the hardships of all the people who offer their sacrifices so I might be able to finish a degree and reach for my dreams.

Sleepless nights, restless days, hell weeks, haggard months, hardcore semester – college is, indeed, a pressure cooker! Who would have thought that a little girl who barely talked could take a Communication course at a country’s premiere university? Who would have thought that she might take the risk of failing so she could find out if she fits in? Who would have thought that she could go far away from home for consecutive months to study in an old, cold city? Who would have thought that she has to be me? Someone, please explain.

No point of reasoning may actually compensate for the numbness I feel at this moment. It’s that unfathomable expression of amalgamating emotions of “nothingness” and “the-whole-universe-combined kind of mood” both at once. Unbearable.

What am I actually ranting for? Unexpected defeats. These are the moments when it just feels like the world is slapping my face that’s already sore due to weeks of inconvenience. There seems to be no break from all the pain I’ve gained from working too hard – just heartbreaks. Sadly, there are heartbreaks. I experience heartbreaks from the things I am not even in a relationship with… but those things that I am in full commitment with. I fail even though I reviewed the notes. I fail even though I practiced the report. I fail even though I exerted my effort to present, to submit a requirement. There will be times, unavoidable ones, when my best isn’t even good enough for others.

Like a cycle, repeating itself, rolling over my almost-dead body. My almost-paralyzed brain. My almost-gone being. It would be easier if I cry this out and when it’s finished, the hurting is gone. But no. I was wronged. I discovered, in that isolated place where I am ready to give myself up, I couldn’t even cry. Not a single drop of tear is falling, as if my eyes are about to sweat at the top of a mountain full of snows that keep me cold all throughout.

Shall I pity myself for having that need to forcibly cry yet tears-not-found? – suggested by the robotic nature I’ve built up inside. I know myself. I couldn’t be numb but a routine of absorbing all the hurtful remarks has been mastered. I don’t want to call it unfair. I still hold on to that belief which promises me… I. could. be. better. than. this. The wind blows so roughly it messes up my hair. I feel teased at the mess summoning up my life. Still, I hold on to that belief which promises me… I would fix this soon if I started pulling myself together.

Are there any choices left? Aside from standing up each time I got myself knocked down. Aside from putting up a smile on my face behind each weary frown. Aside from telling “It’s fine” beyond mistakes. I don’t lie. I’m just doing a favor to the world. I’m just giving out what I lack, what I wasn’t able to receive… – and this is definitely to be interested with every story that I may encounter. It is to show appreciation to all the adventures I have the chance to explore.

So what remains to cry for? Tears no more.

At the end of the day, is the start of the night sky that is full of stars. I am on the process of training myself to indulge embracing such sense of strength… a sense of endurance from all the hatred I feel for myself. I am not sorry.

Dear, you are not sorry so don’t hide away from the transcending years. You, too, will soon run out of tears.

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One day you came

Lights of burning flame

Melted the frozen

Shadows of fallen

Unfathomable perhaps

It never lapsed

When waves rage

Uncrumpled page

Starts to drop

Back from top

‘Cause I know soon

Counts of moon

Once you said ‘hi’

Is another ‘goodbye’

Now wind blows

Nobody even knows

Even rhymes do

Fade like colors

Mute like sounds

Dropped by the pain

Of this strange feeling

We cannot even call

Love

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Still Human

Still Human

This depicts not a clichѐ, but an intensity of a person’s feelings towards reality. I say so because I can see myself through her.

Sometimes, it’s okay not to be okay. I do not show myself crying to other people as long as I can endure not because I’m scared that they might judge me, but because I don’t want them to feel the pain. I don’t want them to worry. Everything will be alright without them getting hurt. I am not a great pretender but I can sacrifice myself for the people I truly love- without compromising my principles in life.

Perhaps it’s not easy for me to show my emotions, live. I often express them through writing (this blog is an example); but it doesn’t necessarily mean that I’ll always keep my mouth shut. Well, I admit that it’s really better to keep my mouth shut if what I’m going to say makes no sense at all. I can also be vocal… and when I do, it’s when I’m with the people wherein I know my thoughts would be worth sharing to.

I may be too goal-oriented that it seems so robotic. I may be too hard that it seems so hopeless romantic. I may be too much of a dreamer that it seems so unimaginative. Just don’t forget. Hey, we inhale the same type of air. We both have heartbeats. I excrete the same wastes as you do. I fall in love and I get hurt, too. I feel inspired and I can be tired. I smile and even laugh as you can see… though when I start to frown, please leave it all to me.

Absolutely, we live on the same planet. Does that make somebody any less? Given with all the worst and the best, I’m still human after all.

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http://crazylittlethingcalledlovee.blogspot.com/

http://crazylittlethingcalledlovee.blogspot.com/

One of the movies that I’ll never get tired of watching. Once, twice, thrice? Feelings stay the same. I can fall in love all over again.

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Equilibrium

Here I go again. Tonight, I am willing to share to you an article that I have written a couple of months ago. It is composed of facts and opinion stated by me. It is about citing some insights that I think could have been remarkable within the noted movie. Honestly, this work of mine had received a not-so-high score due to some grammatical errors and some statements ambiguities; but I’ve decided to post it anyway because I believe I have learned. It’s the thought that counts! I offer to you my sincere apology on anything that you might find misleading. How I wish I could have written it better but I chose to preserve its original form to look back and see how I used to understand things. Here’s to a young woman and the others who aspire to be motivators of improvement.

Have a happy weekend.

 ‘Equilibrium’ : Film Insights

equilibrium-99_resize

Photo Courtesy : http://www.tboake.com/443-equilibrium-f2009.html

What does it take for the world to attain the balance that they need so nothing could ever go wrong? Do they really have to sacrifice the purity of mankind for the sake of one’s personal intentions? Why do others have to be blinded by rude societal disposition? Not an answer could register in my mind as I witnessed the first few parts of the movie we’ve watched- ‘Equilibrium’; but as the story started to roll down the consequences of the events, I then realized that even the things we’ve thought would be the smallest… might sometimes be the biggest contributor of change not just to one person but to the dependent generation.

As I recall, the movie started through an action series which exemplifies skills in attack and defense. Opposing troops of armed men exchanged their bullets and it was obvious that the other team is losing due to the strength and tactics of its opponent. It took me some minutes to absorb what has really been happening. Into my surprise that the reason behind the killing is the victims’ disobedience to the highly-implemented rule which prohibits everyone to feel emotions! Freedom was nowhere to be found. It was being murdered by a capsule- being taken like a dietary supplement on regular basis. There’s no way for an escape especially to those who think they were weak and powerless; while death was the doomed cliché to those who have tried to fight against the misleading laws of unjustified governance. The idea of the institution officers who have probably agreed on this condition, might as well in my opinion, seemed to be stupefied by their selfish ambitions. How on earth could anyone be legally permitted to exploit the rights of the people to deal with emotions and express their feelings? This is unimaginable in reality.

This is why I found it hard to finally get over unto the movie’s extent since it was my first time to see it and to be exposed into that kind of irrationality (though I’ve watched movies before that were a bit similar to this). On my perspective, the film-makers made it through such an ‘eye-opening’ point of view. Coming up with this quality of story amazed me for it doesn’t just showcase something that is unique. It is a collection of genuine facts summoned together to be able to establish a film that leaves a mark to its viewers. Considering the situational cases that we have today in our society, the message that the film has been trying to imply is useful for it could increase the viewers’ awareness about mindlessly degradation of human dignity (in any way that it is being actualized) and how it should be countered. Based on its impact to me, I might say that ‘Equilibrium’ has this inspiring feature which could uplift spirits of either young minds or mature ones to continue fighting in spite of the risks that wait. For me it’s like standing for my principle or not standing at all. ‘Not standing at all’ because the choice is within ourselves. The best is about to be attained not because righteous people choose to be with who is strong at the moment but they choose to be with who ought to be strong, instead- and those who ought to be strong are those who never quit to follow the right path.

Citing one of the evidences, I am still reminiscent of that Maguindanao Massacre. The issue beneath this clutter of words keeps haunting me though I am not personally involved… and this clipping in the newspaper caught my attention: Janvic Mateo. (2013) Arraignment of Maguindanao massacre suspects set on Wednesday: Manila, The Philippine Star News. Good news! Justice may finally arrive after the reported death of the people. “Dubbed by the Committee to Protect Journalists as the single deadliest event for journalists in world history, the Nov. 23, 2009 massacre claimed the lives of 58 people- including at least 32 media practitioners- who were part of a convoy led by the wife of then- Buluan vice-mayor and now Maguindanao Gov. Esmael Mangudadatu… A total of 197 suspects were initially implicated in the massacre, including members of the Ampatuan clan…” I can relate this article to the movie I’ve been reflecting on because both have stories of inhumanity wherein multiple cases of murder were noted. Putting back the pieces in reality, it’s gratifying that until these days, there are people who are still working to solve the alarming problems our country (or even the world) is facing through. Faith keeps the positivity from within. It guides us to endure the pain that we’re feeling so nothing would be impossible because better outcomes could have been waiting.

Just as how the call for humanity among victims of injustice has been fought for until the end (of the movie), the same process might happen with this issue of Maguindanao massacre only if there’s one or some among us who would take the risk of starting the change we wanted to see and continue the fight through our nation’s unity. It’s not all about a matter of counting the times one has fallen but on the ways one has gotten up.

I had once heard of a quote around UP, and it says: “Rise over run. If you must die, you die fighting!” So do I, so do you. We can all make a difference and attain the state of equilibrium without compromising the value of humanity so we’d live outright what defines dignity.

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