Seriously, I didn’t think I’d go back to school; but here it goes… as the weeks ahead seem even more promising. We keep on fighting.
I have a story to share before I begin another chapter.
Last semester, before the holidays, I decided not to continue anymore – my journey in the University of the Philippines. I felt so fed up. I thought that all I cared about was academics and the grades I’d obtain from those sleepless nights and restless days. I couldn’t expound how painful it was to have all my thoughts convoluted inside my head. I wanted to take a break which was later on discerned as an escapism in disguise. That’s too coward and I know that UP breeds people of valour. To run away from my obligations is a shame.
I was thinking that I might be selfish for wasting other people’s time, money, and effort to send me to where I am now. I might be selfish for wasting other people’s hopes upon me. I fear I might be selfish because I could not give back enough. It’s true that I had been too selfish but not just because of the reasons stated beforehand. In reality, I am selfish for thinking that I could not go beyond. I became selfish because I tried not to fight against the fear that there is an end in the road so I could not go further.
I was determined to leave. I was already planning where I would apply for a new job. Until one day, my mom woke me up. She asked me to turn over my laptop. I was confused. She should know very clearly that I couldn’t do my works without it. She told me that it should be given to someone else who needs it. I deserve my laptop, why should I give it away?
So I wondered. I told her, “but I need it! what will I use in school?” She answered me with a question, “Who told you that you would enroll?” My heart broke a little, slowly, one-by-one, into pieces. I exploded inside but I kept myself composed in front of her.
Even if I already confessed to my parents about how I wanted to take a break from college life, I felt insulted about how my mom treated my Leave of Absence proposal. At that time, I already understood that they disagreed to their-daughter-who-used-to-be-the-most-passionate-and-successful-student-they-know-now-wants-to-stop-schooling. Maybe I hurt them for not seeming to care at all and I feel so sorry for giving them the worries. I was hurt when I heard directly from her that I am not going back to school anymore but maybe she was even more hurt when I told her I do not want to go to school anymore. I appeared to them as if I would remain as tough as my words but nobody had an idea how much it killed me to know that giving up was made possible.
There I totally realized that in spite of my willingness to leave, there was that shattered little part of me that wanted to stay. That part of me was scattered and was waiting to be picked. My doubts dropped that piece and I wanted to put it back again where it first bloomed. Once again, I am longing for this voice of mystery that would whisper me stay…
From the sublime feat until the sweetest defeat, I’ll hold on.