Posts Tagged With: heart

miles away

There will be times when I’d rather stay awake during hours in between 10 p.m. to 5 a.m.

It is when almost everyone is sound asleep. It is when the surroundings is blatantly quiet. It is when I have nothing to blame but myself for letting the silence deafen my disturbed being. I cannot close my eyes for fear that I may miss something. I can neither feel the warmth nor coldness of the empty space building up inside of me.

What I am sure of is that, I will remember each single detail that has been happening between hours of 5:01 a.m to 9:59 p.m. when there’s nothing wrong but my perception of reality. I seem to live in a world where only myself can see. It is the moment of disillusionment that perhaps the people occupy the sensitivity of my thoughts but there’s only one thing that I am longing to be with – and this is definitely peace of mind.

Noisy. The flickering lights, the blurring shadows, the swaying curtains, the palpitating beats of whose heart, the imaginative knocks and footsteps… all so loud I am not able to notice that while I hear them, I lose the capacity to listen to my own needs and wants.

Truly, I soon realize that there will be deprived chances no matter how hard we try to get them. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel like putting pillows on my bed, I avoid cute pets, I doubt your sincerity, I won’t give a damn to your words, I pretend to be funny. Because it sucks to get attached to stuffs that will soon leave me and I call them stupid inside my head. Not admitting it is me who’s more than weird. I am an unfathomable, reckless piece of unlovable mystery.

Darling I get hurt, too; but I don’t expect you to understand somebody who does not even dare trying to confront herself. Please see to it that I am not the one who’s going to conform to your ideals. I am not even trying to put an interest seeking for ways to get close to your standards. Because I don’t impose rules which I cannot follow. By accident, too many times, I have spoken words I cannot swallow.

Days pass and the urge is becoming more irresistible. You don’t have to say it back. You don’t have to cast a promise. Free yourself. Stop. Stare. Smile.

We’ll go miles from here if we let go, still miles from here if we choose to stay.

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The Metamorphosis of Love

SAM_9567

Life is not a series of chances but a series of choices.

A heart usually portrays the essence of love, of Romanticism, of people’s involvement in a relationship that demands commitment, trust, and loyalty; but a heart might mean a different thing that tries to incorporate a wider and deeper understanding of how love actually exists in a person’s life- where happiness stays and grows from within. However, the butterflies signify metamorphosis- an agent of change that persists to survive in this world.

Just because you want it, doesn’t mean you can get it. Destiny is not carved in stone because it is something you have to create on your own. Beyond the freedom set upon the spark of divinity that’s given from the very start, you get a life… full of uncertainties, doubts, and risks. You endure a battle and insist to win for you think of the importance of the things you love is what truly matters. But, is it really worth the fight? Do you deserve to fall in love that depends from the intensity of the presence of others? Does reality have to seem so vague that you associate real joy from the attachment you get used to? Is it then fair to blame circumstances when you lose yourself while finding the significance outside of it?

Perfection is imaginable yet it is not possible. It cannot be achieved. It is so unfair to expect something that goes too high enough to disrupt your view of reality. You accept the love you think you deserve that you eventually fail to realize that what you’ve been seeking for the whole time is already in front of you waiting to be held on for so long. You miss the chances that are reserved for you while chasing for the ones you desperately hope for. You end up undecided, left out unfulfilled. Is that what is considered as happiness? Of course not. You commit mistakes just like anyone else. The bottom line is, it might be too late to catch up with failures. You learn to let go.

What you believe keeps you going, isn’t it? What you believe is what triggers you to remain intact with your goals in life. You often accompany it with the thought of being extremely in love with something else. So when it is gone, the happiness fades away. That is what happens in a heart that is filled with butterflies. There are things, there are people… that will come and leave. Some will stay and others are meant to go away. Permanence is rare. Definitely, there are things that are bound to visit you temporarily. There will be a moment in your life when your actions are transformed into regrets. It makes you unsatisfied. Will things ever be put in their proper places? Yes. You just have to explore a great sense of being alive and discover that happiness is not all about romantic love, or gifts, or committing to someone, or keeping a promise- but about the innovation and development you attain while enduring the pain you receive and being passionate about your principles no matter what, each day.

Happiness is a choice yet so difficult to stand by it. Love freely. Who cares to give it back?

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A Cradle for Vision Fuels the Tank on Mission

Who told you it would be easy? Nothing’s left in this fast-paced world for you to hold on; but because you believe that there’s something else to hope for, it becomes harder for you to just let go.

SAM_9415

 

What is in my mind right now? A lot of things. A thousand or millions of thoughts that eventually filled up the space of my being, enough to make me feel so full of flattering emotions and uncertain feelings. I couldn’t blame the rainy weather today. I couldn’t blame the suspension of classes. I couldn’t blame the moist air. I couldn’t blame the nostalgic view in the window. I couldn’t blame the deafening silence. I couldn’t find anything to blame for why I am this way.

I don’t think I was born exactly the person that I am today. Perhaps the time, experiences, and people’s influences have been contributing to the kind of human that I have become but I’m definitely not so sure how they changed me. Have I really changed? Here I go again with my philosophical questions, trying so hard to answer the inquiries that I know will never suffice. Questions welcome another questions for answers are just merely objects that are supposed to make me feel safe, unmoved, and at peace for a moment. The truth is, I never felt enough.

How do you see me as an individual in that photo? Your perception might be different as mine but I don’t care, really. What matters is that you actually paid attention to it at some point.

Free, empowered, and brave- these may be enough for me to step into real wild world. I feel like I am capable of surviving. I feel like I can conquer whatever struggle it is that will block my path. Well, at least, I have the feels. Although we all know that a man can be invincible but no man can defy imperfection, I still believe that if one spends his/her own life as the power to fight, this man is definitely immortal. The man can die but the flashes of its dynamism will never falter.

Oh good heavens, where did I find the guts to type these words that can eventually lead its readers to confusion? Because it is only through deep words that I can express the slightest closeness of my true sentiments to what I really meant.

There are times that I actually want to cry things out but no tear comes out of my eyes. It crushes me inside. I dare to smile to distract myself from entertaining insanity. There are times that I actually want to give up my only hopes but my dreams won’t accept my proposal. It brings out the guilt out of me. I dare to continue my plans or reinvent if possible. There are times that I actually want to just shut my brain from thinking but as before I can fully close my mind, there’s this little voice inside my head that disintegrates every single drop of doubt. It wakes me up each time I nearly sink my soul into a nightmare of failures. I dare to get up and fall even more madly even at the most futile ideas which only myself knows can keep me moving. Everything, to me, is paradoxical. What kills me makes me realize that I actually have a life to live, with that burning passion in my heart.

Do you get it, somehow? That a person’s struggles are truly the ones that aid to fulfill one’s goals. If we never had the struggle, wouldn’t you think we’d be able to appreciate the details of triumph and victory? I reflect. Please take note that I am trying if not for myself, then maybe for the ones I love the most.

Now the bottom line is what is so special in this life that I can be able to endure all these mind-boggling, soul-draining, heart-drifting challenges? If you can’t imagine myself saying these lines, try to incorporate them to yourself. What is it that pushes you to go on, amid the doldrums or even amid the monstrous storms? Is it your money, your gadgets, your foods, your books, your accessories, your clothes, your mansion, your car? How hypocrite we are, then.

As for me, what urge me to stay are reasons, I expect, only myself can understand. Will you believe me if I tell you I hold on because of the world itself? Philantrophic, isn’t it? Honestly, I am not the best person to promise things that are purely for the sake of others. I am giving it a try because I guess this is what makes me feel worthy to carry on, to share with you the air we breathe, to share with you the shades of sky, to share with you the rhythm, to share with you the company, to share with you the boundless treasures on earth. I’ll never tell these things to you. Laugh at me, it’s fine; but I’ll really never tell these because I want them done rather than chanted.

A Cradle for Vision Fuels the Tank on Mission is the title of my post mainly because I have a very large home that exists as spot on the universe that I can embrace as a cradle for the fruits of all our sacrifices, and the tank simply symbolizes ourselves. What substance do you want it contains? For me, I want it love. If I hated all of you, then I wouldn’t spare a moment of my existence trying to figure out what it means to be alive- what it takes to live for myself and what it takes to live for the significant creations that inspire me to look at things with wonder.

Could I ever make things happen? I can never fail this, so I must.

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Takipsilim

This song is so laid-back. How I wish its innocence could still reflect the visions I had in life. Hopes might be impossible, but the message transcends something that targets the heart.

Contentment. Peace of mind. Joy.

It’s so simple, but why does it seem like it isn’t. Sometimes.

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What’s Good About Losing

A chilly evening, guys! This time I’m going to share to you an article I wrote back when I was in high school. It’s just an ordinary piece of literary that was once published by maBCAS. It’s not the kind of work that goes too deep but something that comes from the heart… because I, too, had experienced failing. Through this, I’ve found a way to actually motivate myself and other people to never give up. We all pass through thick and thin moments. We’re being challenged- and sometimes it’s not actually the destination that really matters. It is about the journey and how we traveled it.

Always winning can be boring. Let us try the different spices all over. Cheer up, man! 

What’s Good About Losing

“Congratulations!”- Who wouldn’t like to be acknowledged for a job well done? A loser might have wished to hear this, too.

Everytime a sun sets off is a sign of another day coming towards us. People would always have to prove something. Bring up the best. Get the tasks accomplished. Stand out among the crowd. That’s us. We believe that we deserve to be accredited. No more. No less. But what we wanted cannot always happen. ‘Expect the unexpected’, they usually say. Expectations and disappointments may come out together. It is not always a wonderful surprise or a planned activity that is to be followed. We just have to deal with the stresses of life… and a follow-up question “How could I even…?”

Accept the fact that we all have a turn to lose! Life is hard and unruly. We are all warriors by chance with our lives as swords and this world as the battleground. We cannot please everyone just by being ‘an ordinary man with his typical exchange of oxygen and carbon dioxide processed in an entire life’. A fight is what it takes to win and therefore be hailed as a victor. From simply winning a writing contest or a marathon, into winning a deal from foreign investors or be recognized in a business forum, even until winning the nation’s Presidence candidacy or one’s self being featured in the coverpage of Forbes magazine- can be regarded as an adventure, a voyage sailed by a battleship. Two chances at stake, and those are: whether to make it or not.

Winning set aside, there’s something to look forward into. An essence of what is really worth fighting for would make us realize how our struggles could make our hopes and dreams come true, without a fear of losing. Some people might still had a doubt and others might say “I think I was born to be a loser just how it sucks to be me”. But does that person really know the purpose of his existence? Will God ever create man to lose everything under the sun? Definitely, the answer is NO. We are all reared in purpose, not ever the same but has something to contribute to the planet Earth.

Can you imagine yourself living in a perfect world? No worries and no mistake. The thrill is nowhere to be found. No more learnings, not even surprises to burst us the excitement. A boring vicinity surrounds the atmosphere. Just like how it may actually look like in a battle without a winner and a loser. A winner could have had it all yet a loser could have had more than that. That’s what is great about losing. The real wisdom of why losers are considered worth existing. Without them, a low-lying spirit could have just been contented with a passion itself. There’s a significance why there exists a loser in every battle for a tough man will consider ‘losing’ as part of his way to success and that determination and dedication are always at risk as wealthy foundation of becoming an even greater individual.

No matter what happens, there’s a fight to continue and its principles to pursue. Win or lose, a noble heart can resist whatever the result may be. There’s always a better day that lies ahead and much more reasons to prove one’s self as a wonderful creation of God. And that what makes everyone a champion. So now, do you think simply being ‘you’ is the good thing about losing?

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Year’s Last Week for School: Start it right!

The year’s end is approaching in a steadfast manner. I guess it’s time to realize that no matter how much of these challenges which confronted us throughout this year, nothing could beat the count of the blessings which were bestowed upon us. So shall we be starting to reflect that all the ups and downs we’ve faced are nevertheless withstood by the love of God?

Things that we do for our fellowmen, either big or small, are nothing compared to what fully constitutes ourselves and the lives that we live. By simply tying the shoelace of an old woman you see in the market carrying a bag of goods; or giving a bottle of water to an old woman seating beside you in the church, skirmished with coughs; or giving an old man something to eat or at least something to buy him food, for he gets weaker each day he stays under the scorching heat of the sun; or buying some turon or lumpia  from a little boy selling merienda down the streets, so he will have baon the next day; or buying a bigger plastic bag to put all the goods you’ve bought in the market, from a little girl going around to help her family; or thinking that maybe you could help a woman carry some of the bags with her as she takes the stairs up in the overpass; or letting go of your change from the money you’ve paid as fare to the drivers because you think that they need those coins more than how you might just spend them extravagantly; or helping your classmates with their tasks even if you know they could be a lot smarter than you; or treating a schoolmate who hadn’t eaten lunch; or helping a friend hesitating to send some messages to a person she wants to talk to; or bringing pasalubong once you get home; or helping your aunt with her business during sembreak; or appreciating people about honestly what you think of them such as telling them they look good, thanking them for being nice, greeting them on special events, and most of all letting them know that you care; or simply being a decent person, showing the real you. And a lot more than that.

We might do these kinds of things out of generosity and a sense of humanity perhaps for me, it is an act of love. It is an act of showing to the world who really is the child of God. I know this feeling because I’ve done those things, I knew how it felt like, and most of all I am not telling this for me to flaunt that I’m a good Christian. I write it here to inspire other people to do the same, or even more, or at least avoid the unnecessary. Still, let us not forget humility and assure ourselves that actions do not only come from the mind. Give them with all our hearts.

Image

Photo taken just this morning before I attend an ‘Aeromarathon for a Cause’ (I won’t be describing it in full details)

There I wore a yellow shirt. A brand new Levi’s because I don’t have a shirt with that color. It did not cost me too much anyway. I just mentioned the yellow color because our professor told us to wear such kind of top because she’s going to wear black. Want to know why? “Because I’d be Gru, and you’d be my minions”, she said so I laughed. She heard the loudness of it and I thought I’d be embarrassed in the class but she smiled at me.

A while ago, I woke up at 4AM then I went directly to the bathroom and have a very cold shower. Considering that the temperature here in this town where I’m at is 11°C, I definitely enjoyed it. By the way it’s a hobby of mine. I fell asleep again after my bathe. Few hours passed and I got ready to go to school’s Court A and sweat it all out!

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