Posts Tagged With: hope

Marahil Mahalaga Ka

Hindi isang routine ang buhay. Kung labag sa loob mo ang linyang kasasabi ko lang, baka nga nabubuhay ka sa routine; pero hindi pa rin ito ang buhay. Pakiramdam ko kasi’y walang halaga ang paulit-ulit at nakakasawang sistema. Kaya nga siguro maraming nalilito maging iyong mga kabilang sa masang sumisigaw ng pagbabago.

Hindi nawawala ang pagbabago. Patuloy ito sa pagpuksa ng nakakairitang plaka na tila ba isinusumbat sa’yo na hindi ka makaintindi. Kahit na maintindihan mo, iiwan ka rin naman ng lumang istilong tinangay ng panahon. Lahat naman kasi ay pansamantala. Walang forever ba ang nasa utak mo? Tigilan mo ako.

Hindi nakukulong sa ilang pahinang depinisyon ang salitang maaaring bitiwan ng isang tao. Ang punto ko lang naman, bakit pa kailangang pag-aksayahan ng oras ang mga bagay na hindi naman pala sigurado? Oo punto ang tawag sa pangungusap na ‘yan bagamat nagtapos sa tandang-pananong. Ayoko naman na sagutin mo ako ng hinulaan mong parirala o ‘di kaya’y ninakaw na talata mula sa katha ng iba. Ang gusto ko ay unawain mo.

Unawain mong hangga’t may pagbabago ay may pagkakaiba. Unawain mong ikaw ay hindi tulad nila. Unawain mong ikaw ay may kakaibang hina at sigla. Ikaw ay may sariling halaga.

What completes me, breaks me in the process sabi ko. Paano? Alam ko kasing hindi madali na gumising na lang isang araw na okay ang lahat. Walang okay lang, sarkastiko. Nangangarap tayo. Ang pangarap kasi ay hindi lugar na magagawa mong pasyalan kung kailan mo gusto. Hindi ito laruan na itatapon mo sa nilalangaw na tambak ng basura kapag pinagsawaan. Ito ay paglalakbay. Nariyan na tamarin kang lumakad sa kung anumang dahilan. Nariyan na ma-excite ka, tumakbo, ayun nadapa. Nariyan na sasabihin mong ayaw ko na pero ang kailangan mo lang pala ay ang magpahinga. Mabuti nga at nabigyan ka ng pagkakataong magkaroon ng sarili mong lakbay. Nakakahiya naman sa ibang nilumpo ng nanggigipit na kalupitang kaakibat ng buhay. Itong hiya na ito ang nagpakapal ng mukha ko. Ang kahinaan ng iba ang ginawa kong sigla. Tila ba itinuring kong makina ang aking sarili upang magtrabaho hindi para sa sarili kong kapakanan; kundi para sa ikabubuti ng nakararami. Corny? Bahala ka. Para sa akin, isa itong sentimental na pangakong kailanman ay hindi ko iwawaksi. Kaya nga ganito ko na lang ipahayag kung gaano ako nasasaktan habang binabaybay ang peligrosong daan tungo sa kinabukasang siguro naman ay may hitik na bunga ng ating pinagsisikapang ipunla.

Madami akong isyu sa buhay. Halos lahat ng detalye ay iniintindi ko hangga’t mamaya, wala na pala akong oras para intindihin naman ang sarili. Alam kong ito’y mali. Anong klaseng pagpapahalaga ba ang maibibigay ng isang tao kung wala siya nito? Hayaan mong hanapin ko ang sagot mula sa mabangis na mundong kinabibilangan ng aking anino. Nakalahad ang palad ng naghihikahos na pulubing hindi mo alam kung kailan pa huling nagkaroon ng laman ang tiyan. Nakatulala ang manggagawang lugmok sa trabaho umulan man o umaraw na nadaya na pala sa kwentahan ng sahod. Nakapanlalambot ang istorya nila at ng iba pang mga kasama… silang mga biktima ng pang-aabuso ng dayuhan o ng kapwa Pilipino. Hindi mabibilang ang mga mensaheng nais iparating ng mga kaganapang hindi malutas. Nasa loob pa pala tayo ng giyerang ginagamitan ng basyo ng balang tumupok na pala sa napakarami nating mga kawal. Anong silbi ng ipinaglalaban nating mga aktibista kung patuloy palang nagaganap ang iba’t ibang uri ng karahasan sa paligid? Isang routine na paulit-ulit tumatatak sa nakapaninibughong kasaysayan ng pinaghalong tamis at pait. Isyu ko pa rin na hindi tayo malaya.

Ikaw, na bumabasa nito, ay mahalaga. Pinili kita kaysa iba. Pinipili kita higit sa anumang luho. Pipiliin kita sa aking pag-iisa, sa tuwing ako ay may kasama, kapag ay ako ay pagod, kapag ako ay inaantok, kapag ako ay nalulungkot, kapag ako ay natutuksong itigil na tingnan kita bilang mahalaga.

Sumusulat ako hindi mula sa ideolohiyang ipinipilit sa akin. Sinusulatan kita dahil marahil mahalaga ka.

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The Metamorphosis of Love

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Life is not a series of chances but a series of choices.

A heart usually portrays the essence of love, of Romanticism, of people’s involvement in a relationship that demands commitment, trust, and loyalty; but a heart might mean a different thing that tries to incorporate a wider and deeper understanding of how love actually exists in a person’s life- where happiness stays and grows from within. However, the butterflies signify metamorphosis- an agent of change that persists to survive in this world.

Just because you want it, doesn’t mean you can get it. Destiny is not carved in stone because it is something you have to create on your own. Beyond the freedom set upon the spark of divinity that’s given from the very start, you get a life… full of uncertainties, doubts, and risks. You endure a battle and insist to win for you think of the importance of the things you love is what truly matters. But, is it really worth the fight? Do you deserve to fall in love that depends from the intensity of the presence of others? Does reality have to seem so vague that you associate real joy from the attachment you get used to? Is it then fair to blame circumstances when you lose yourself while finding the significance outside of it?

Perfection is imaginable yet it is not possible. It cannot be achieved. It is so unfair to expect something that goes too high enough to disrupt your view of reality. You accept the love you think you deserve that you eventually fail to realize that what you’ve been seeking for the whole time is already in front of you waiting to be held on for so long. You miss the chances that are reserved for you while chasing for the ones you desperately hope for. You end up undecided, left out unfulfilled. Is that what is considered as happiness? Of course not. You commit mistakes just like anyone else. The bottom line is, it might be too late to catch up with failures. You learn to let go.

What you believe keeps you going, isn’t it? What you believe is what triggers you to remain intact with your goals in life. You often accompany it with the thought of being extremely in love with something else. So when it is gone, the happiness fades away. That is what happens in a heart that is filled with butterflies. There are things, there are people… that will come and leave. Some will stay and others are meant to go away. Permanence is rare. Definitely, there are things that are bound to visit you temporarily. There will be a moment in your life when your actions are transformed into regrets. It makes you unsatisfied. Will things ever be put in their proper places? Yes. You just have to explore a great sense of being alive and discover that happiness is not all about romantic love, or gifts, or committing to someone, or keeping a promise- but about the innovation and development you attain while enduring the pain you receive and being passionate about your principles no matter what, each day.

Happiness is a choice yet so difficult to stand by it. Love freely. Who cares to give it back?

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Faith that is Not Tested, is Not Faith At All

While the downpour of rain was heavy all day long last Saturday, I was able to grab my chance of clinging into my academic obligations. I did not fail, somehow, to comply with my to-do-list. Perhaps the weather was really gloomy and not everything inside our house had fallen in its proper place, I still tried to manage my schedule and my mood. That’s right; to manage myself and the actions I would take has always been necessary for a harmonious living- well, at least from my viewpoint.

Some readings I was trying to study that day is about the orientation towards being… something is about existentialism provided that the writer itself has this perspective saying Not that we believe that God does not exist, but we think that the problem of his existence is not the issue, and the other literary piece has been talking about this creatively ambiguous but witty format of what the persona aims to express; but justifiably, I got the gist of the articles I have read. Anyway, it’s all about how we’re to interpret the given symbolic entities which meanings invariably depend to our intellectual capacity and background. It’s up to me, actually, upon whose way of thinking I am made-up to affirm or deny, right?

We all know that in Philosophy, two major groups of people pave its path through the broadness and deepness of discussions- Christians and Atheists. I surely belong to the first one. I just can’t imagine how I was able to deal with the articles wherein atheistic viewpoints are technically considered. Each time I had to support my own ideology and never falter to what I have believed for more than a decade. I told myself that open-mindedness is not a bad thing at all. Essentially, it’s quite a brilliant means to transcend into reality without having to seem too arrogant, ignorant, conceited, and rude. Having an open mind to things doesn’t mean inability to decide for one’s self but maturity to cultivate the values that can eventually lead us to excellence and a better understanding of the world.

Last Friday night, when I am alone in our house and the storm was on its rage, I recorded my voice. This recording lasts exactly up to one minute as it plays. It is supposed to be an alarm which will of course motivate me to get up. Considering its inventive script and a bit proficient tone that speak in straight English, I honestly regarded this habit as some sort of fun. I’d have to adjust the volume to minimum so as not to frantically disturb others; though it’s fine if they’re interested in it.

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(Photo of me in Paoay Church, Ilocos Norte during our historical tour;

but Our Lady of the Atonement Cathedral is where I constantly go every Sunday)

Today is Sunday, the start of the week, when I’ve written this. I truly deem that waking up early contributes to man’s productivity and success. So it’s a deal for me to start a day or even a week right enough to make me feel so guilty if ever I do not keep hold of consistency. I am persistent about my dreams, and this blog of mine can attest to that.

Going to church becomes the fundamental system running throughout my character. I’m not the person whom anyone can convince not to go out for mass attendance, especially since when I have started my routine here in the City of Pines. It is a breath of fresh air, a lift of soul, a beat of heart, and clarity of mind- for me as a being. Tell-me-you-can’t-go-but-don’t-tell-me-I-can’t type of attitude is what I got.

Before I could stand under a shed to wait for PUJs, I passed through rustling winds and flooded streets; but still, I could feel the banality of what I am doing. Excitement is expected of me as I fulfill what I want, what I need. There’s this vehicle that stopped in front of me. An old man got off. He is familiar; I always see him on his way to church. He’s passionate about it and I can thoroughly confirm the verity of his faith. Perhaps he’s not too normal (I guess he’s ill due to age-related sickness) and I just can’t say what it is that bothers him. I just know he needs someone to accompany him whenever, wherever, because there’s no safe place nowadays.

Just like at that moment, he didn’t have an umbrella and the rain was pouring hard. It’s cold and I could see he’s tensed. Magsaysay PUJs passed but I am taking the Bonifacio route. So the man was. It’s as if he’s in a hurry not to get late for the mass (though it repeats hourly, in different languages). He’s about to get in a PUJ but its signboard said Magsaysay. God knows how I wanted to offer my umbrella to that man but there’s a bit of force that insisted not. But, when this driver saw the people waiting, he immediately changed his route. So an old couple, I, and the old devoted man, were able to take the ride. I felt an ease that we’re finally on our way to church.

Traffic was not too heavy maybe because it’s still early and the weather wasn’t too good. The PUJ stopped in front of the Cathedral and the vehicle was suddenly more than a half empty. As I crossed the road, I saw this familiar old man taking his steps towards the church. This time, I couldn’t let go of the chance that I might help him. I offered my umbrella and we both took some meters. All of a sudden, I remembered my grandfather. Is he doing fine in our home? Does he feel sick? Does anybody take good care of him? Does he miss me the way I do? Can he still endure and wait for me to get back? Tears watered my eyes but I couldn’t let it fall. For the first few times in months, I heard again the word “apo” (grandchild), with a different high impact melody in my ears. The old man was shivering and a strike of blame landed on me for not doing it so earlier. His age marked those slow footsteps and a notion of helplessness and uncertainty from the environment where he belongs; but I could perceive his hopefulness and it fueled me to keep going.

I thought, I just thought, I am very faithful and this is so exceptional about me. But no, I’m somewhat wrong. There are a lot more people like this man that is full of love for his devotion to God and passion for life. He might be alone at a sight, but inside he’s so full of faith that he couldn’t even think that nobody is there for him. His power of belief makes him stand, walk, and offer himself everyday that until now, he’s able to live. At that very moment of his tight grip (signaling a pinch of gratefulness that someone is confirmed to be there for him even at the slightest point of time), I felt so empowered.

Kindness is contagious. It comes from this man, not from me. I am merely one of the many noble instruments to make people be reminded that The Holy still exists and will always persevere because God doesn’t really leave. God is always here. God is always with us.

A lot of times go by that our faith is being tested without actually the recognition; it just happens. This story of mine for today is just one among the myriad instances that the power of love, hope, faith, and existence itself is realized. Each day can be a miracle, that we all breathe, that we’re all residents of Earth. We discover ourselves in every drop of a second and we explore our lives further not through our own but through our fellowmen.

As for me, I get inspired by you. Criticisms, adversity, loneliness, doubts, and emptiness get clearer every time. I am determined to face such struggles and fight for myself, fight for you, men of amazing faith; because you let me believe that I am not alone in this battle, that we can actually hold on to our beliefs, that we can actually carry on through our passion, that I naturally acquire this spark of love for humanity and that these testimonies trigger me to live. God is with us all the time at all places, in any condition. Impossible can be possible because we believe. God is whom we believe, that’s why we actually can.

Stronger, is how I call. Faith that is not tested, is not faith at all.

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Drops of Rain

Enigmatic

The sky is unclear today

I cannot see a single spark that can stain

A dimmed celestial sphere

It is the night I see

 

Cryptic

Like those eyes

You didn’t think is looking in such a pair

No moment will suffice

When rhymes you breathe in air

 

Colder it gets

Darker, bolder, anewed

Finally I hear you

And I know I’m not alone

Because you creeped in long ago

 

More than hope

That sunshine supplies

Energizing

For you pay a visit

Drops of rain

 

Dried soul vanished

Watered the empty space

Quenched thy thirst for love

Of land and home

You had me survived

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A Love That Stays Forever

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In memory of the noble Shirley Temple. (This post is not all about her but I find it as a way to put some touch of her quotable line into an account that I’m going to share this time.)

There’s nothing like real love. Nothing.

Based on the paper that is written by a professional degree holder I’ve read about De-Psychologization of Love, here comes Alain Badiou’s Conditions in a Philosophy course, quoted in the first page: “The relative poverty of all that philosophers have said about love, I am convinced of that, is because they have tried to explain it through either psychology or theory of passions”. – wherein it takes a lot of time and effort to catch a glimpse of how love is defined in one of the most critical sense. True love, I’ve learned is not: 1. Classical which separates two persons from being a compensation of one another. 2. Romantic which is centered on one’s self trying to dominate the other person. 3. Child birth being the primary motivation disguised as Eroticism which devaluates the meaning of family emergence.

What captures the truth in love is by being ‘Two’. Love is built from the differences where a man and a woman find each other… Love is nothing other than an exacting series of enquiries into the disjunction, into the Two. Disregard all these texts starting from “Based on the paper…” until “… into the  Two” because for now, I do not use it as a point of view.

To my one and only Dear Family,

Everything I do, I do it for you.

Lolo and Lola. Do you have an idea of how much you give me strength? Perhaps I also cannot measure but I can feel it whenever I struggle against the raging storms that scare me. I manage to pass through darkness because I know that the light I can gather will brighten up your days.

Dad and Mom. Do you have an idea of how much you keep me going? Perhaps I also cannot measure but I can feel it whenever I skirmish getting up from stumbling. I handle myself to overcome the fears that might obstruct my vision of you being proud of me.

Tita. Do you have an idea of how much you trigger me to be hopeful? Perhaps I also cannot measure but I can feel it whenever I stay still spite of rejections. I stand across the whirling winds and ‘carry on’ for I don’t want you to see me weak, for I don’t want you to sense it.

Ivan, Romson, Angel. Do you have an idea of how you motivate your Ate? Perhaps I also cannot measure but I can feel it whenever I wake up and say ‘never quit’. I used to seem tough to sustain each stride I take today because it is my gift for you to experience a better life tomorrow.

I hope you all understand that there is some point in our life when I have to be apart from you, the people who matter to me the most; but that does not make me love you any less. I don’t always want to show you a vulnerable side of me because I don’t want to share this pain that I endure right now. It feels so sad to be alone but I never tell you. I never tell you I cry every night; instead, I answer your calls with a laugh. I don’t usually tell you I am tired, and sleepy, and hungry; instead, I tell you I’ll take a rest later. I cannot tell you that I failed a quiz; instead, I spend more hours to review my notes. I will not explain to you how hardly it takes me to get my tasks done; instead, I let you think I enjoyed them. I may not describe you how frightening it is for me to face some situations; instead, I go to church and pray. Those are the things I do everyday to take your worries away.

Let us believe that our sacrifices are making sense little by little. ‘Be the good girl I always have to be’ is the line that flashes towards me. God is with us facing the trials. He doesn’t just make them lighter loads for us, but He joins us against all odds. I ask Him, not of any amount, not of any gadget, not of any boyfriend. I ask Him to tell you that I temporarily miss you. I ask Him to show you how much I Love You. I ask Him to guide us as He never failed to stay with us in good times and in bad times. I ask Him health and safety that we may all continue living our lives to the fullest. I have yet to show you how grateful I am to nurture this kind of love inside of me- the world of no condition and of no hesitation that I will forever prove you… that each of the member of the family I belong to… plays a role of significance in performing a legendary story on this stage of nothing but perfect fantasies fused into reality.

The day will come when financial concerns won’t bother you anymore; when the house of your dream becomes our home; when old furniture will be replaced with ideal ones; when we can be supplied completely by material things we both need and want; when working is no more an obligation for I must pay you with comfort; when we may be able to help other people, too, in their circumstances and help raise themselves the way we strive for ours. Amid all these, we shall never cease to praise our glorious God.

Someday, dear family, we can live happily… ever after. I offer to you a love that stays forever.

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Don’t be too hard on yourself

Don't be too hard on yourself

I had lunch in the Woods a while ago. I was given a book mark before I got my food. It says about a scripture from the Bible. It’s kind of aiming the motivating lines I need for this day. I’m so anxious that I would just fall asleep the moment I saw my bed and cried as I woke up. I know that this is a very frantic side of me but I trust myself to let the hard feelings go as soon as I regain strength from the people and the things I used to dedicate all these hardships.

And the title… well, one of my sweetest friends, a sister indeed, (an Iska) told it to me. We always give comfort to each other whenever we feel like needing someone to talk to.

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An Essential Outlook

“I am fundamentally an optimist. Whether that comes from nature or nurture, I cannot say. Part of being optimistic is keeping one’s head pointed toward the sun, one’s feet moving forward. There were many dark moments when my faith in humanity was sorely tested, but I would not and could not give myself up to despair. That way lays defeat and death.”

Long Walk To Freedom

Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela

(1918-2013)

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Failing is not an option. Courage is.

Before this day ends, I want to express how grateful I am for it has really been a blessed one. It’s not perfect- that’s how I loved it! The title says it all. I would not be making this entry longer than my previous posts because all I wanted to do now is appreciate everything that has happened today (Most of them are just too personal to brag about). Now that another week has passed- and yes, thanks be to God for survival, I am more determined to keep going; Especially, that weekend is coming and I would be pleasured to make the most out of it.

I guess I should elaborate the title well for other people to understand what I meant with that tweet of mine few hours ago. Failing is not an option. Courage is. Nobody hasn’t failed. Nobody hasn’t committed a single mistake. I know as a-matter-of-fact that each of us had stories to tell regarding how bad we felt at some point in our lives. We all have those moments wherein if there would be a ‘delete button’ that allows people to forget the bitter past, then we could have pressed it. Also, everyone has experienced a moment unto which we could have wished to freeze the time and preserve that memory forever. Life is a game- it is playful yet sometimes unruly. We always have to play it hard. Otherwise, the next day we’d regret about the chances we just let to pass.

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This photo is a screen capture snipped from the movie ‘A Cinderella Story’

P.S.

Rest in Peace Nelson Mandela. You are such an epitome of courage against adversity. You showed the world something which doesn’t come from mere mediocrity- by choosing to live a life with honor, with dignity. Thank you for reminding us the value that lies beneath freedom and standing for our own principles which can be justified only if we free ourselves from the tyranny of custom. Your physical presence might be gone, but your great contributions shall live forever. God bless you, great man!

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