Posts Tagged With: I

Try Harder. Do more. Be better. – What Inspires You?


You may take a look at these blurred photos fused into a collage that makes it even less clear to see. Oh, forget the irony.

So this is what had kept me busy last night. This is my version of what has been the so-called vision board. Actually, the images I put in it are not only my goals in life. There go the pictures of myself, my family, my colleagues, personalities I look up to, quotable lines, stunning places, architecture of ideal buildings and houses, cars, and money. Will these photos actually boost my ego and trigger me to come up with a better version of “I”?

I’ll take this time as a moment for me to release my feelings as of today… Unlike my freshman year, I cry less now that I am a Sophomore. I am not just sure if it’s because I can already endure the pain or I am already immune to frustrations that it affects me no more or just too busy to entertain my emotions. What hurts? A lot… A myriad reasons of why I find myself on the verge of crying each time I realize that I may be alone. Perhaps I’m used to do my tasks all by myself and take struggles without having to demand anyone to help me get through. It’s not that I am a self-made man but I consider myself as someone who dares to strictly follow rules and finish requirements.

Nowadays, my happiness depends whether or not I get things done. It sounds simple yet is complicated within a process. I always want methods. I always want punctual. I always want substantive. I always want comprehensive. I always want compliance. I always want to give it my best shot that I find myself competing with myself upon whom I am being too hard on. I feel abused by my desire of putting myself into a pressurized dimension of the world. I even think it’s pleasurable if I get tired, exhausted, and stressed; because I am afraid of slacking off… that I won’t rather be carefree and laid-back if it means having done nothing productive at the end of the day.

Do you see my problem here? I swear I want a life lived in its fullest. I need it. But, how can I actually compensate for the lost of the things I sacrifice for the sake of something that I deem is more important? I had been beside my family for my first 16 years of existence. I don’t have a perfect one but I can say that its members are the ones who bring out the best in me. Now I am trying to stand by my own and live in a city far away from them. We may be miles apart but that doesn’t make me love them any less. Instead, I can feel that I am falling deeper in love with them each day that I spend while suffering with the aches of my mind and my heart.  This is my decision. At some point, I have chosen this path and I have no plan of putting it off my system.

Typical student struggles: academics, allowance, peers, chores, doubts and insecurities, lackadaisical attacks, teenage issues, and a lot more. It has turned me insane in a subtle way. Yet I may find myself asking: What keeps me going all through these hardships when I can just stop and be a low-lying moron all my life? Do I even make sense? Is it even worth the fight? Who am I really? Why am I here in this damn place where survival is in the farthest reach of access? These questions kill me. It is quite a paradox that I am staying, living, searching for answers- just as I realize that the journey itself lets me hold on to hopes that I may eventually figure out what these all mean. I am strong for staying alive through my fears and weaknesses. I am a dreamer that still longs for an idealistic perspective whereas I will actually become the person I aspire to be.

Back to that vision board… well, it’s not actually a big, big deal. Fun, indeed. Such a material on my bedroom wall will remind me everyday that these are proofs that I can. I can do more. I can try harder. I can be better. Motivation doesn’t always have to mean deadlines, to-do-lists, calendars, alarm clocks, and whatsoever work-your-ass-off notes. Motivation can just be, merely, the life I had yesterday, the life I have today, and the life I will have tomorrow. Inspiration comes from within. It tells me, “Carry on” …there’s so much episodes to encounter. This is not yet the end- I am not yet there but I’m on my way.

Categories: Part of Me | Tags: , , , , , | 3 Comments

A Love That Stays Forever


In memory of the noble Shirley Temple. (This post is not all about her but I find it as a way to put some touch of her quotable line into an account that I’m going to share this time.)

There’s nothing like real love. Nothing.

Based on the paper that is written by a professional degree holder I’ve read about De-Psychologization of Love, here comes Alain Badiou’s Conditions in a Philosophy course, quoted in the first page: “The relative poverty of all that philosophers have said about love, I am convinced of that, is because they have tried to explain it through either psychology or theory of passions”. – wherein it takes a lot of time and effort to catch a glimpse of how love is defined in one of the most critical sense. True love, I’ve learned is not: 1. Classical which separates two persons from being a compensation of one another. 2. Romantic which is centered on one’s self trying to dominate the other person. 3. Child birth being the primary motivation disguised as Eroticism which devaluates the meaning of family emergence.

What captures the truth in love is by being ‘Two’. Love is built from the differences where a man and a woman find each other… Love is nothing other than an exacting series of enquiries into the disjunction, into the Two. Disregard all these texts starting from “Based on the paper…” until “… into the  Two” because for now, I do not use it as a point of view.

To my one and only Dear Family,

Everything I do, I do it for you.

Lolo and Lola. Do you have an idea of how much you give me strength? Perhaps I also cannot measure but I can feel it whenever I struggle against the raging storms that scare me. I manage to pass through darkness because I know that the light I can gather will brighten up your days.

Dad and Mom. Do you have an idea of how much you keep me going? Perhaps I also cannot measure but I can feel it whenever I skirmish getting up from stumbling. I handle myself to overcome the fears that might obstruct my vision of you being proud of me.

Tita. Do you have an idea of how much you trigger me to be hopeful? Perhaps I also cannot measure but I can feel it whenever I stay still spite of rejections. I stand across the whirling winds and ‘carry on’ for I don’t want you to see me weak, for I don’t want you to sense it.

Ivan, Romson, Angel. Do you have an idea of how you motivate your Ate? Perhaps I also cannot measure but I can feel it whenever I wake up and say ‘never quit’. I used to seem tough to sustain each stride I take today because it is my gift for you to experience a better life tomorrow.

I hope you all understand that there is some point in our life when I have to be apart from you, the people who matter to me the most; but that does not make me love you any less. I don’t always want to show you a vulnerable side of me because I don’t want to share this pain that I endure right now. It feels so sad to be alone but I never tell you. I never tell you I cry every night; instead, I answer your calls with a laugh. I don’t usually tell you I am tired, and sleepy, and hungry; instead, I tell you I’ll take a rest later. I cannot tell you that I failed a quiz; instead, I spend more hours to review my notes. I will not explain to you how hardly it takes me to get my tasks done; instead, I let you think I enjoyed them. I may not describe you how frightening it is for me to face some situations; instead, I go to church and pray. Those are the things I do everyday to take your worries away.

Let us believe that our sacrifices are making sense little by little. ‘Be the good girl I always have to be’ is the line that flashes towards me. God is with us facing the trials. He doesn’t just make them lighter loads for us, but He joins us against all odds. I ask Him, not of any amount, not of any gadget, not of any boyfriend. I ask Him to tell you that I temporarily miss you. I ask Him to show you how much I Love You. I ask Him to guide us as He never failed to stay with us in good times and in bad times. I ask Him health and safety that we may all continue living our lives to the fullest. I have yet to show you how grateful I am to nurture this kind of love inside of me- the world of no condition and of no hesitation that I will forever prove you… that each of the member of the family I belong to… plays a role of significance in performing a legendary story on this stage of nothing but perfect fantasies fused into reality.

The day will come when financial concerns won’t bother you anymore; when the house of your dream becomes our home; when old furniture will be replaced with ideal ones; when we can be supplied completely by material things we both need and want; when working is no more an obligation for I must pay you with comfort; when we may be able to help other people, too, in their circumstances and help raise themselves the way we strive for ours. Amid all these, we shall never cease to praise our glorious God.

Someday, dear family, we can live happily… ever after. I offer to you a love that stays forever.

Categories: Part of Me | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Create a free website or blog at