Posts Tagged With: promise

I’m running out of tears.

Rant. Or sentiments. Go type into words the feelings I am not even sure how to properly express. *sighs* *laughs out loud* *hashtag story of my life*

I could keep on talking to myself, talking to every people I see, talking about every issue I would hear about – I’ve changed. Years ago, I used to keep silent for hours whenever I feel frustrated; but I realize as time passed by, I am no longer that vulnerable girl who could just bear all her emotions without speaking herself out.

Since birth, I never had a love life. What keeps me inspired each time I need to get out of bed and be productive is the thought that I am given the opportunity to study. Yes, you read this right: Academics. Perhaps I am not that “grade conscious” type of student, I make sure that I’d be able to catch up everything that has something to do about schooling. I try my best to be a responsible, hardworking, motivated student. I have this strong drive to push myself to the limits because I know that if I study well, I could pay back the hardships of all the people who offer their sacrifices so I might be able to finish a degree and reach for my dreams.

Sleepless nights, restless days, hell weeks, haggard months, hardcore semester – college is, indeed, a pressure cooker! Who would have thought that a little girl who barely talked could take a Communication course at a country’s premiere university? Who would have thought that she might take the risk of failing so she could find out if she fits in? Who would have thought that she could go far away from home for consecutive months to study in an old, cold city? Who would have thought that she has to be me? Someone, please explain.

No point of reasoning may actually compensate for the numbness I feel at this moment. It’s that unfathomable expression of amalgamating emotions of “nothingness” and “the-whole-universe-combined kind of mood” both at once. Unbearable.

What am I actually ranting for? Unexpected defeats. These are the moments when it just feels like the world is slapping my face that’s already sore due to weeks of inconvenience. There seems to be no break from all the pain I’ve gained from working too hard – just heartbreaks. Sadly, there are heartbreaks. I experience heartbreaks from the things I am not even in a relationship with… but those things that I am in full commitment with. I fail even though I reviewed the notes. I fail even though I practiced the report. I fail even though I exerted my effort to present, to submit a requirement. There will be times, unavoidable ones, when my best isn’t even good enough for others.

Like a cycle, repeating itself, rolling over my almost-dead body. My almost-paralyzed brain. My almost-gone being. It would be easier if I cry this out and when it’s finished, the hurting is gone. But no. I was wronged. I discovered, in that isolated place where I am ready to give myself up, I couldn’t even cry. Not a single drop of tear is falling, as if my eyes are about to sweat at the top of a mountain full of snows that keep me cold all throughout.

Shall I pity myself for having that need to forcibly cry yet tears-not-found? – suggested by the robotic nature I’ve built up inside. I know myself. I couldn’t be numb but a routine of absorbing all the hurtful remarks has been mastered. I don’t want to call it unfair. I still hold on to that belief which promises me… I. could. be. better. than. this. The wind blows so roughly it messes up my hair. I feel teased at the mess summoning up my life. Still, I hold on to that belief which promises me… I would fix this soon if I started pulling myself together.

Are there any choices left? Aside from standing up each time I got myself knocked down. Aside from putting up a smile on my face behind each weary frown. Aside from telling “It’s fine” beyond mistakes. I don’t lie. I’m just doing a favor to the world. I’m just giving out what I lack, what I wasn’t able to receive… – and this is definitely to be interested with every story that I may encounter. It is to show appreciation to all the adventures I have the chance to explore.

So what remains to cry for? Tears no more.

At the end of the day, is the start of the night sky that is full of stars. I am on the process of training myself to indulge embracing such sense of strength… a sense of endurance from all the hatred I feel for myself. I am not sorry.

Dear, you are not sorry so don’t hide away from the transcending years. You, too, will soon run out of tears.

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A Game of Juggling

Through a student’s perspectival world…

If you were to pick one to let go: between social life, good grades, and sleep- what would it rather be?

It’s quite hard to choose. At first, I’d tell you I am willing to let go of sleep for a cup of coffee and a bite of apple can attest to that; but honestly, whenever I get back to bed, it feels like a promising forever.

Perhaps I swear to God, I am never letting go of my good grades! Oh mighty heavens. Shall it be the moment of truth? A moment that tells me to pick my social life and throw it… to far, far away. I can’t. Now that it gives me the enjoyment of a company and the achievement of a particular goal, more than a chunk of academics, I can finally taste the sweetness of defeat and the spice of fulfillment.

Look, I understand if nobody cannot really understand what I am saying right now. My mind is so full. So do my soul.

My point is, who really cares of what we are going to choose among these three significant aspects of our lives? Does anybody even show some concern unto you deciding what’s right? Is there something that is really right? How can you distinguish? As for me, as long as I know I love what I’m doing, I cannot go wrong. It might be different from the views of others, but this is me and I’d hate not to stand by it.

I choose good grades. I dare to socialize. I can’t truly abandon sleep. Only if I can juggle them all too well, then I don’t have to worry insanity and stuffs. The thing is, I am far beyond the master of this game which life has been offering me. Ask me, I play. I can’t guarantee you that I will ace this battle; but remember that as much as my chances of losing this, is the amount of opportunities that I can actually win.

Sure win. Just with the fact that I learn while I explore and discover the tricky things, I am telling you guys I’m going home a victor. I’m taking home the bacon. Hail me as champion for I played a game I haven’t been familiar with; yet I tried. I succeed.

Categories: Daily Post, Part of Me, Reflection | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Fear not… for…

Fear not… for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom. -Luke 12:32

As I leave our home today as early as 4:30 in the morning to continue living a college life (together with other two awesome people I regard as sisters of mine), we traveled from the southern part of Luzon until the northernmost part of the country. It is never an easy task for me even though there’s a proof that the reasons why I have to sacrifice self-centered ambitions are the dreams I’ve been chasing- Dreams which are meant to give comfort, happiness, and contentment to the people I’ve been leaving for the meantime. Gaining the strength that I need for this journey is really difficult for I am scared. I am afraid of considering the chances that I cannot make things happen; but for now, I am grateful to the promise that I’ve been holding on… a promise of praising God forever because I know that while He is there, I can never be alone. Challenges won’t disappear right away but I know that as long as the intentions are from the heart, the battle is won. God will never fail us.

Categories: Part of Me | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

What Makes You Sexy : A. Kutcher-defined.

What Makes You Sexy : A. Kutcher-defined.

As I was thinking what to post in my blog for today, I saw this photo in my Twitter timeline. A retweet of @TheLifeDiaries from @femalestruggle. It came with a caption: ‘best speech ever 👌’ ..Makes sense.

Categories: Famous Lines | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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