Here I go again with the deepness of my character that is observably inherent through my thoughts.
Some days I feel in love I’ll type in Perhaps it’s terrifying to choose gray out of a thousand hues to be found; But still- I’m fascinated, not just with colors but, because you are around. Some days I feel frustrated I’ll type in The world is a battleground. Life is not a game and you’re not an spectator. What’s frustrating is that you lose just when you thought you’d be a warrior.
Even I – can’t predict myself. I think too much yet I have an impulsive nature. I have to make the actions even if I am not too sure. All I know is… I have to keep moving. I have to keep myself busy to get away from the negative things dragging me down.
When I was younger, I used to divert my attention into writing anything. I don’t care about rules, I just do the process. I learned to play games. I am involved with a lot of sports activities. One of my favorites is athletics. I’ve always wanted to run. In running, I feel free. It’s wonderful to just feel the air rushing against my skin. It’s wonderful to pour my sweat, and blood at times I fall, into the grass fields and the cemented roads and the muddy paths and more set-ups. It brings me anywhere. I won’t notice I’m tired because everything that I see is another dimension of the world which is beyond my control.
Now that I’m taking up more mature roles, I forget how it feels like not to be tired anymore. I am so drained physically, emotionally, and mentally. One moment, I’m happy. The next few seconds, I’m mad. I can’t calculate the momentum of my shifting moods. In fact, I am actually trying my best to stay inspired, to look at things in a positive way, to make myself believe that we’ll all turn out to be okay -but it’s not true. I’ve experienced downfalls and they all transform me into someone I’m not used to be. I’m striving to remain being the idealistic, excited kid. It just so happens that I finally decided to be a realistic, numb lady who’d become old staring at each error and hating herself for putting others down. (It’s a mystery when she’d realize she overlooks to avoid being too hard on herself.)
I’ve been writing and running all day long and through the night. What else is left to do? Could I ever find something that would somehow make me forget this sensation of being worthless? I need a sense of fulfillment, too. I need something that might let me feel I have a value. Pain won’t hurt if you don’t let it consume you. What does it mean? Huh, I’m too deep I shall be buried no more. I need a catalyst. I need a catharsis.
I work too much. I do workloads that are far different from my field… such as cleaning. Instead of wasting my time being a hardened potato in the corner, I choose to be a restless piece of walking disaster. I clean here. I clean there. I finish tasks I’m not obliged to do. I finish them with flying colors. For a few times, I want to make myself proud. I want to know again how achievement feels like. A reflection suddenly dawned on me: that other people’s affirmation do not actually matter as much as I thought they do. Before others could praise me, I have to first search the assurance that I got this because I have myself completely in this journey.
I clean the house- different parts of it. I fix my things- with details organized. These little acts are probably not seen as significant as they actually are in real terms. This is what people often take for granted- the silly dramas. Don’t you notice? …Society gets unproductive if all of its members let the pain of rejection (from their set of universe) permeate their way of living. Pain definitely comes from an irresponsible individual’s cultured disease called ignorance. It consists of the passivity and arrogance that fully consume a person’s flesh and cells. It hurts so much one is tempted to just let life pass by so he/she almost eventually die.
I don’t say clean your room to finally find contentment and peace of mind. I say be ambitious all over again enough to start rebuilding faltered hopes each time it seems like the end. Catch attention. Do good for others. Yourself is not the only creature residing on Earth. Contribute your own little ways. Never let anything stop you …no matter how much it freaking hurts. Haunt pleasure in pain, darling. We all suck at some point but we’ll be good anyway.
This article sucks but I’ll produce something good someday.