Posts Tagged With: self

Pain won’t hurt if you don’t let it consume you.

Here I go again with the deepness of my character that is observably inherent through my thoughts.

Some days I feel in love I’ll type in Perhaps it’s terrifying to choose gray out of a thousand hues to be found; But still- I’m fascinated, not just with colors but, because you are around. Some days I feel frustrated I’ll type in The world is a battleground. Life is not a game and you’re not an spectator. What’s frustrating is that you lose just when you thought you’d be a warrior.

Even I – can’t predict myself. I think too much yet I have an impulsive nature. I have to make the actions even if I am not too sure. All I know is… I have to keep moving. I have to keep myself busy to get away from the negative things dragging me down.

When I was younger, I used to divert my attention into writing anything. I don’t care about rules, I just do the process. I learned to play games. I am involved with a lot of sports activities. One of my favorites is athletics. I’ve always wanted to run. In running, I feel free. It’s wonderful to just feel the air rushing against my skin. It’s wonderful to pour my sweat, and blood at times I fall, into the grass fields and the cemented roads and the muddy paths and more set-ups. It brings me anywhere. I won’t notice I’m tired because everything that I see is another dimension of the world which is beyond my control.

Now that I’m taking up more mature roles, I forget how it feels like not to be tired anymore. I am so drained physically, emotionally, and mentally. One moment, I’m happy. The next few seconds, I’m mad. I can’t calculate the momentum of my shifting moods. In fact, I am actually trying my best to stay inspired, to look at things in a positive way, to make myself believe that we’ll all turn out to be okay -but it’s not true. I’ve experienced downfalls and they all transform me into someone I’m not used to be. I’m striving to remain being the idealistic, excited kid. It just so happens that I finally decided to be a realistic, numb lady who’d become old staring at each error and hating herself for putting others down. (It’s a mystery when she’d realize she overlooks to avoid being too hard on herself.)

I’ve been writing and running all day long and through the night. What else is left to do? Could I ever find something that would somehow make me forget this sensation of being worthless? I need a sense of fulfillment, too. I need something that might let me feel I have a value. Pain won’t hurt if you don’t let it consume you. What does it mean? Huh, I’m too deep I shall be buried no more. I need a catalyst. I need a catharsis.

I work too much. I do workloads that are far different from my field… such as cleaning. Instead of wasting my time being a hardened potato in the corner, I choose to be a restless piece of walking disaster. I clean here. I clean there. I finish tasks I’m not obliged to do. I finish them with flying colors. For a few times, I want to make myself proud. I want to know again how achievement feels like. A reflection suddenly dawned on me: that other people’s affirmation do not actually matter as much as I thought they do. Before others could praise me, I have to first search the assurance that I got this because I have myself completely in this journey.

I clean the house- different parts of it. I fix my things- with details organized. These little acts are probably not seen as significant as they actually are in real terms. This is what people often take for granted- the silly dramas. Don’t you notice? …Society gets unproductive if all of its members let the pain of rejection (from their set of universe) permeate their way of living. Pain definitely comes from an irresponsible individual’s cultured disease called ignorance. It consists of the passivity and arrogance that fully consume a person’s flesh and cells. It hurts so much one is tempted to just let life pass by so he/she almost eventually die.

I don’t say clean your room to finally find contentment and peace of mind. I say be ambitious all over again enough to start rebuilding faltered hopes each time it seems like the end. Catch attention. Do good for others. Yourself is not the only creature residing on Earth. Contribute your own little ways. Never let anything stop you …no matter how much it freaking hurts. Haunt pleasure in pain, darling. We all suck at some point but we’ll be good anyway.

This article sucks but I’ll produce something good someday.

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You’re like nothing else to me but a shipwreck that’s full of mystery… the one that is quite you who’s been brought to me by the winds, by the waters, by the flames. We’re on the same ground now. We’re under constant storms… the one that is quite us who are both haunted by love that has not been chanted.

You are such the most symbolic form of sweetness. Most of them would think that I am composed of the bitter sands stirred in saltwater which when tasted, sour; yet you melted that belief. I could feel through you the shivers that make me feel comfortable even in the darkest hours. I could see a thousand colors in the dash of your existence. I could hear the painful music that would make me sway and forget all the hatred I have for myself. The world seems so alive while the other side is dead – but is striving to survive.

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miles away

There will be times when I’d rather stay awake during hours in between 10 p.m. to 5 a.m.

It is when almost everyone is sound asleep. It is when the surroundings is blatantly quiet. It is when I have nothing to blame but myself for letting the silence deafen my disturbed being. I cannot close my eyes for fear that I may miss something. I can neither feel the warmth nor coldness of the empty space building up inside of me.

What I am sure of is that, I will remember each single detail that has been happening between hours of 5:01 a.m to 9:59 p.m. when there’s nothing wrong but my perception of reality. I seem to live in a world where only myself can see. It is the moment of disillusionment that perhaps the people occupy the sensitivity of my thoughts but there’s only one thing that I am longing to be with – and this is definitely peace of mind.

Noisy. The flickering lights, the blurring shadows, the swaying curtains, the palpitating beats of whose heart, the imaginative knocks and footsteps… all so loud I am not able to notice that while I hear them, I lose the capacity to listen to my own needs and wants.

Truly, I soon realize that there will be deprived chances no matter how hard we try to get them. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel like putting pillows on my bed, I avoid cute pets, I doubt your sincerity, I won’t give a damn to your words, I pretend to be funny. Because it sucks to get attached to stuffs that will soon leave me and I call them stupid inside my head. Not admitting it is me who’s more than weird. I am an unfathomable, reckless piece of unlovable mystery.

Darling I get hurt, too; but I don’t expect you to understand somebody who does not even dare trying to confront herself. Please see to it that I am not the one who’s going to conform to your ideals. I am not even trying to put an interest seeking for ways to get close to your standards. Because I don’t impose rules which I cannot follow. By accident, too many times, I have spoken words I cannot swallow.

Days pass and the urge is becoming more irresistible. You don’t have to say it back. You don’t have to cast a promise. Free yourself. Stop. Stare. Smile.

We’ll go miles from here if we let go, still miles from here if we choose to stay.

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happymess

How much of a mess

Does it take

For happiness

To break

 

Joy finds its way

If only you are willing

That your day

Be its breathing

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Jitters

Morning dew

Sunlight rays through

The glass windows

Opening another day

 

Scorching heat

Another time to beat

Weary eyes

Skimming through crowd

 

Before the crown

Sets off again

Ask the train

A route to go

 

Where art thou

Fruits and juices

Of blood and sweat

Hard-earned survival

 

Lethal fate injects

Passed grades

Apart from stains

Of tears and dirt

 

Less than is not

What she settles for

Try second, strive first

Until she jitters.

 

 

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I Myself Choose the Meaning They Have

Jean- Paul Sartre’s claims on Existentialism appear to me as evident proofs inhabiting such ideas that can make certain people believe about the knowledge on existence; yet it still bothers me that it somehow opposes what I’ve believed since I acquire the consciousness of confirming what is true for me. I remember the line Not that we believe that God does not exist, but we think that the problem of his existence is not the issue– definitely, this sounds agnostic but that doesn’t keep me from reading. It actually makes me think deeper and hold on to every argument that is thrown, without losing my faith and sense of wonder.

There are two standpoints presented: Christianity and Positivism- whereas both conclude something that is different from Sartre’s assertion. Christianity says that ‘Man has been created in the image of God’ supported by the statements ‘Man is nothing by himself; he owes everything to his Creator’ and ‘Man has special status before all other creatures’. This is countered by Sartre, saying that ‘Human being is the supreme and sovereign reality; there’s no pre-determined essence and he makes himself freely through his activities’. Positivism says that ‘Man is an end itself, a supreme value’ which establishes that ‘life is continuous and earnest act of worship’. This is countered by Sartre, saying that ‘Man, is by nature free, and still to be determined’.

Given the polarity of views, I honestly feel like floating due to the strength of their convictions; but it has not caused my own beliefs to falter. For humanism, man is real and there’s nothing above him that no reality can be any higher. From an existentialist point of view, man is never to be taken as an end for he is still to be figured out. Man is who gives rise to his own values. What makes him exist is the mere fact that he is self-surpassing; wherein he is free outside of himself to project, to lose, to pursue transcendence, and be the heart of it. In this perspective, the universe is full of human subjectivity, total freedom and inevitable responsibility. Perhaps absolute individualism is what it tells that matters, individual and social aspects must be weighed in and get accommodated.

Humans always aim for the better. Nothing can be better for him unless it is better for all. We are supposedly conscientious individuals that as we discover ourselves is the moment we also discover others. Are there any choices left with us? Terms are easily defined but they get complicated in the process. Thus, what makes man a universal concept? The decision is within us. We are condemned to be free. Consume our lives constructively.

Isn’t it that Man is nothing else but that which he makes of himself? Thus, I stand still. Existentialism, humanism, positivism, Christianity- I myself choose the meaning they have.

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Dare to Exist

The world is dynamic. Its essence is life that is full of vitality, full of wonder, full of energizing elements constituting the verity of our very own existence. Perhaps one might deem the creation itself as problematic due to some uncertainties. Then, how are we supposed to understand things? Do we need to allot rigorous researches in order to support our claims? Can the contextualization of our experiences and conditions be served as evidences only to prove that we aren’t deceived by our beliefs? Of course we tend to speak and stand up for what we think is true… while others tend to tell lies in order to protect themselves from judgments.

As human beings, we are presented the choices. We are given the chance to decide for our own. The result depends upon the basis of analysis that we have considered to look through. What makes sense doesn’t always get picked. Sometimes, what humans yearn for are ignorant derivations from shallowness, leaving the actual necessity that is to be executed within a process.

Understanding does not primarily mean just gazing at the meaning, says one of the excerpts from a line among the texts. It simply states that “to understand” suggests that we take into consideration the holistic value of others and the associations of one another. It then implies that we shall not only judge according to what our eyes can merely see or what our ears can merely hear. We have to examine things beneath circumstances, beneath perspectives. We listen no matter how inaudible the rational noise is, no matter how soft it whispers.

Knowing grasps reality- that is knowledge. For without knowledge, no fair justice might be administered. Without knowledge, we let go of the opportunities that we once deserved. Without knowledge, we get caught by the dogmatic persistence that is not even from our own way of comprehension. We eventually lose ourselves, at least in that case.

“Being-there”, “in-one-another-ness”, “Being-alongside”, authenticity or inauthenticity, and “potentiality-for-Being” are some of the most striking words to symbolize an entity termed as Dasein wherein existential conditions are attended. Here comes the fortification of possibilities, the anticipation of what can be put into actualization. Its significance doesn’t only lie amongst the description of one character, but throughout the world. It somehow signifies the entirety of the components of the world- self, others, and the linkages that bond the interaction, discoveries, exploration, and a lot more variations that create interconnectedness between them.

The bottom line is, it doesn’t matter whether or not which is true and which is false according to what a person thinks over your own awareness. What truly brings you to the peak of knowledge is knowing what would you actually fight for, what you believe makes sense, what you believe is worth the wait, what you believe could possibly exist, without the fear of failures.

A thought piece, for example, dares to exist… fail now, try again. Nobody is certain.

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Womanitely: 10 Wise Ways to Redefine Yourself

Read: http://womanitely.com/wise-ways-redefine-yourself/

Vitality is to be gained not just by a day you feel like being alive. The purpose of your existence is yet to be defined as you search for it, while you aim at those goals that are turned into possibilities. We choose what we become so dare to be happy.

This site so useful to somehow quench some thirst for uncertainty and confusion. Also, it captures the significant thoughts that are simple but are so helpful. The things that are cited do actually make sense for they don’t just state the obvious good thing to do, but also reflect upon the condition of the people who are seeking for a push to get started, to keep going, and to eventually be so madly in love with the situation that they are in.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter how much you get tired of trying. It’s the effort that counts. It’s not the destination that is the greatest of all, but the journey itself.

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Chasing the Man in Façade

Image

I’m giving you a glimpse of what I’ll be posting (soon) about my recent tour. Here’s an original photo among a myriad shots.

*Perhaps this picture doesn’t completely materialize the meaning of my poem I just wrote. It just serves as something to get you visualized.

here it goes…

Wide awake in the world of blurred vision

Loud enough to hear the softest tones for music

Flames and snow balls fused by raging opinion

Nobody noticed that oxygen turned toxic

Struggling against the raging storm as

The man passed through the darkness

Skirmished getting up from stumbling as

He stayed still midst of the whirling winds

Each stride he took was sustained

Therefore I must preserve my words to rhyme

Because if they would be maintained

Then I might also match his time

Chunked into pieces seeing him cry behind those smiles

Crushed when he turned away from the ones he love the most

But glued together as I discover his hope compiles

A myriad sacrifices sworn across that coast

Dared to ask him why and ask him how

He could endure the pain and chose to fight

Perhaps he’s troubled right now

He did not answer yet held his grip so tight

In lieu of giving up the faith he only had

He stood still despite the daily dose of frustration intake

Decided to join the battle and seemed just façade

Someday there’d be sense which we’re all trying to make

Rushing beats of heart opened up my eyes,

Found myself awake, seen through an open door.

Daybreak- But what’s gotten me more surprised?

In my dreams I chase the man in the mirror

Escapist no more.

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Still Human

Still Human

This depicts not a clichѐ, but an intensity of a person’s feelings towards reality. I say so because I can see myself through her.

Sometimes, it’s okay not to be okay. I do not show myself crying to other people as long as I can endure not because I’m scared that they might judge me, but because I don’t want them to feel the pain. I don’t want them to worry. Everything will be alright without them getting hurt. I am not a great pretender but I can sacrifice myself for the people I truly love- without compromising my principles in life.

Perhaps it’s not easy for me to show my emotions, live. I often express them through writing (this blog is an example); but it doesn’t necessarily mean that I’ll always keep my mouth shut. Well, I admit that it’s really better to keep my mouth shut if what I’m going to say makes no sense at all. I can also be vocal… and when I do, it’s when I’m with the people wherein I know my thoughts would be worth sharing to.

I may be too goal-oriented that it seems so robotic. I may be too hard that it seems so hopeless romantic. I may be too much of a dreamer that it seems so unimaginative. Just don’t forget. Hey, we inhale the same type of air. We both have heartbeats. I excrete the same wastes as you do. I fall in love and I get hurt, too. I feel inspired and I can be tired. I smile and even laugh as you can see… though when I start to frown, please leave it all to me.

Absolutely, we live on the same planet. Does that make somebody any less? Given with all the worst and the best, I’m still human after all.

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