Posts Tagged With: struggle

You’re like nothing else to me but a shipwreck that’s full of mystery… the one that is quite you who’s been brought to me by the winds, by the waters, by the flames. We’re on the same ground now. We’re under constant storms… the one that is quite us who are both haunted by love that has not been chanted.

You are such the most symbolic form of sweetness. Most of them would think that I am composed of the bitter sands stirred in saltwater which when tasted, sour; yet you melted that belief. I could feel through you the shivers that make me feel comfortable even in the darkest hours. I could see a thousand colors in the dash of your existence. I could hear the painful music that would make me sway and forget all the hatred I have for myself. The world seems so alive while the other side is dead – but is striving to survive.

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Abundance of Pressure When Altitude is Too High

Tonight, as usual, I’m working on requirements for school (reports, reviews, etc.). Setting aside the household chores, there’s this thing that keeps on bugging me. Every time I ask myself why I keep on trying to comply with all these stuffs without the assurance that I can get back what I really wanted to receive.

Grades. Yes, you read it right. I’m not that typical GC you might dare to call. I’m not too much of a grade conscious student. I don’t actually get depressed with grades that are being given to me; well, not as how anybody out there would rant about their miseries and curse their life to death just because he/she receives grades that he/she didn’t expect. I’m not the type of person who would give up expecting and let go of optimistic hopes for a long period of time. I might get frustrated for a while but that doesn’t make me quit searching for answers, striving for advancements, and looking forward for possibilities that might lead my path.

What’s in my mind right now is not surprisingly a huge ball of thoughts that keeps on spinning round and round… keeps on getting even bigger as time passes by… keeps on inquiring my being: Where am I? Until I come across this quotation He didn’t bring you this far to leave you. That’s probable. The Almighty Creator wouldn’t give me something I can’t handle and I trust Him for that. I trust in Him that each time I feel like putting an end into these hardships, there’s a voice inside of me that insists on telling me I got this. Of all the sacrifices I’ve had, the nights of sleep and days of comfort I’ve surrendered, the family I’ve missed, the friends I’ve separated from, the home I’ve rebuilt, and a lot more reasons which have pushed me to where I am now- constitutes the verity of my existence: proof that I am not going to take no for an answer.

I’ve reached this far, this high, and this vastness not to ditch the chances. I feel alone, incomplete, insufficient, ineffective; but these are just temporary associations from stress that emerging survival has offered me. I am pressured because I tend to always compare the goodness I attained yesterday to how great I am doing today. Thus, exerting more effort is necessary for me to supposedly excel and achieve self-transcendence through the days ahead. I am pressured because I tend to assume that I am good but it’s not enough for me to settle for less. I am pressured because I am supposed to be better than the person I had become.

Pressure that is brought about by the unlimited height of assumptions. Perhaps I can do more. Perhaps I can hurt less. Perhaps I can smile more and frown less. Perhaps I can sustain the endurance of pain. Perhaps I can stay strong and never let go of the things that matter the most.

There could be anything higher than the top. What then? Nothing but the fruits of one’s struggles to surpass himself/herself. Struggles to cope up with the pressure while he/she is at the peak of everything else he/she might ever wonder of… because at the end of the day, nothing else matters. Believe me or not. Nothing else but that grateful feeling that one has surpassed himself/ herself… realizing that circumstances vary and that we simply outgrow ourselves.

Without pressure, I wouldn’t get hard. Hard to beat.

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Hold on. We may not be there yet, but we’re on our way.

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Embracing Adversity; So it will soon let go of me.

I know I’ve been hating myself for this

But it won’t last I promise

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Red and green lights on the street

Creates the shadow out of me

Walk fast through the noise and heat

Take the route I cannot see

 

Slow down, stop, then go

Discover paths I did not know

Not too certain where it leads

Aim, still, what it needs

 

Nobody reads what’s inside

If I am scared or naive or tensed

Alive or have somehow died

Sincerity for me bears sense

 

When the day just started

As early as the visit of Dr. Exhausted

It all goes weird I’m tired of toil

Subtle swallowing of soil

 

I am born this way so sweetly

But why does it taste so bitter

That I am not the person I want to be

Higher, farther, more, and better

 

Jammed on a traffic

Freedom I seek

Let go, when is the time

Sooner as it leaves the rhyme

 

Now do I even feel

Like I soar above

Or sink beneath

The doldrums of stability

 

Nothing farther

Nothing new

Confined myself, encapsulated

Stuck on the edge

 

Dusk, go home where it embraces me

Dawn, for another hope

Each day I learn

That I do not change in a blink of an eye

 

Fall asleep and wake up

With such spark of madness

And make it glow

No matter what it takes

 

If I truly love a thing

Fight for it, a must

Bring out the rhyme and rhythm

Not because I am comfortable with it

 

Perhaps it weakens me

At this spot

But it is also within

Where I will gain

 

My strength in any adverse state of mind.

 

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Creeped Out Valentine’s

One of the toughest days I’ve ever had,

So help me God.

Those lines were the only thoughts that I was able to put into concrete terms as posted on my twitter and facebook accounts. Yesterday was full of hassles yet I don’t regret breathing, I don’t forget breathing. I survived anyway and most of all I managed myself. I managed to have my tasks done. I managed to live by the day. I managed to look forward for a rest when the night comes and eventually wake up on a beautiful sunrise. Perhaps it’s just too ideal but I liked it in some way that it could be an aid to keep me going and do better.

So I’m starting to recall what happened on the night of February 13. I was coping up with usual works both in school and in house. Well, I ate lunch and watched Penelope before I went back working. Procrastination is part of the process. I have five classes to deal with the next day, from 7:30 AM to 4:30 PM. In that case, I have to (at least) wake up before the clock strikes at 5 in the morning and take my daily dose of cold showers.

I thought I would be late in my PE classes for the first time because while on my way to school, vehicles were even more jammed. Lucky I was wrong because it’s our professor who came late for the first time. No, it’s not funny. I don’t like to be late either if that happened to me. The class reporters continued their very long discussions that already lasted for two weeks. I knew that we’re having a quiz when they finished. I was not able to prepare for it maybe because the notes as I could see were rigorous texts sticking on thick sheets. Ready or not, quiz started. I just answered the questions with all that I could. After that, I had a brunch in less than ten minutes. A friend chose to stay with me in the caf even if it meant reviewing along the offbeat notes breezing in… oh it’s Valentine’s Day. Some of the people would refer to it as S.A.D. representing Single Awareness Day (Who cares? I’m celebrating it for 17 years, by the way). Next class on Speech Communication coming in. Well, I’m kind of tensed whenever I’m thinking of the idea that I do not have any bloc mate; but since I really like our prof and her teaching styles, I’m kind of enjoying it, too. We had the lectures there and another activities that would keep bothering me as days got to pass by. It’s always like that. Flexibility is a must… versatility at its finest. From time to time, I’d have to update my personal and academic schedule in one.

I headed to JL Bldg. because I needed to have our research paper’s last chapter printed. Overpricing (to what I believe it is… because I used to walk near UC to look for  Piso Print Shops) was expected. Staple wires ran out, never mind. I was touched by a relief that I finished an output of one of the heavy papers we’re asked to write about. Next, I’ve had to stay in the library for an hour to please *note to self that I had to browse my Math lessons for the exam, though I couldn’t feel I’m prioritizing it. What’s the conflict going on between me and CRS during the time of constructing my class schedules? How on earth was I given history and math classes during holy hours? Practically, I couldn’t complain but I should feel grateful instead that I completed my units. I stopped pondering and went to CSS AVR for History class. I guess it’s in a good way that I ignored the urge of going to the comfort room because if not, it could have been too late for me to be informed that the room was moved to a farther building up there. I texted other classmates to tell them. We discussed stuffs and were given a bunch of readings (that’s not new to me anymore though it really costs me all the time). After that was the time to take the exam in Math. ‘Let it be’, I told myself. I found it something that was easy but was hard. Like, what? It’s always the feeling that I thought I knew what I was doing but I could have just been mistaken. Confidence was not always a good thing, you know.

I finished the exam in a few minutes, I think. So I hanged out with friends first. We bought some chocolate flower/ flower chocolate *whatever for ourselves. I felt cold, oh my. Then we went to the mall. When we got inside, we parted ways. Some went to the supermarket and the other went to see her boyfriend. What happened to me? I could finally pee. It’s almost 3 in the afternoon so I had to go back to the campus again. On the hallway, I saw another friend, Tyl complaining that her other friend, Agatha (whom I’ve seen near the gate as I entered) left because of their case study. So we’re currently the buddies. We stayed near CAC AVR wherein below of it is the Dap-ay and the view of the fair (CAC week) could be seen. Minutes passed and prof hadn’t arrived so I decided to put the papers on our green envelope downstairs. A pinch of boredom started to crawl on my nerves probably because of the lack of sleep and of the need for pigging out. Hormones aside, I could sometimes blame my vitamins. We looked among the items that were on sale. Tyl bought two books and when she’s about to put them on her bag, I heard her mention about the readings she just photocopied. She was right when she thought I needed the copies, too. (She had an embarrassing moment I wouldn’t tell.) We went to another building to get the readings I couldn’t describe more than being thick. I fell in line. Stairs seemed to be a long road at that time. After I’ve gotten my copies, we sat on a nearby bench for a while. She had classes to attend at 4:30 so I accompanied her to KA and I eventually went to the mall again.

I was on my way to the book store when I received text messages from Myca telling that she had her classes and those who have free time should already be in Dap-ay for the event preparation. I didn’t immediately respond because I was still wandering despite the fact that the crowd could even give a lot more stress to me. No, I’m not bitter. It’s just that I chose to have a different preference or mode of living on that nothing but an ordinary day. Yes, hearts day is an ordinary day. Although to some people, it’s the moment to show more love to their ‘special someone’. After thirty minutes, I had my phone ready for calls and messages then I went back to the campus. They were already fixing the settings. I put my bag on the chair and tried to help. The Bonfire Poetry Reading started exactly at 6 PM. The place was full of decorations, romantic lighting, grass field, rose petals and flowers, mattress, chairs, equipments, cameras, musical instruments, and ofcourse the bonfire. The event was really inspiring. Rather than feeling the tiredness I am bearing with me, I could feel a soothing essence the whole time… as I sat on the grounds near the bonfire. I could feel the intense performances. I could feel the passion of the performers. I clapped and smiled and laughed and fell in love as I sipped a cup of hot coffee. ‘What a relaxing way to end the day’, I said.

It was really dark when the program ended. I was alone and it’s quite frightening. The night was intimidating. The night reassured me of nothing. I never thought that there would be another tiresome moments. There were a lot of vehicles but none of them was suitable for me to ride on. My feet definitely brought me to a lot of places in Baguio City but I felt like there’s no hope of escaping the situation. I was really tired but I must not entertain this kind of feeling for I should reach home safely. I should be hard enough to contain all the happenings so I could separate myself from harmful elements, in any form. I was convincing myself the whole time that I could endure those hazards all by myself. It’s almost midnight and it’s becoming scarier. I risked to ride on a jeepney than having not to ride on anything at all. Nobody answered my calls. I was trying to forget all the negative possibilities that might occur on that wild night as I was keeping in mind that God is with me no matter what happens. I got out of the jeepney and I had to walk a distance. I was praying while I walked fast. I didn’t care about the curfew anymore. I just wanted to go home so badly. I held my phone. I gripped on my bag so tightly. City lights looked bright yet they were so far. My worries almost faded away but I could see an aggressive dog towards the street I’m heading to. It might chase on me anytime. Nobody would help me if I got bitten. Nobody was there whom I could share my fears with. A taxi came beeping on me (Oh Manong, where have you been?) and I got inside of it. It moved backwards as I pointed to Road 1 Extension. I didn’t care if he would get mad because it’s really for a very short distance. He asked why I was just standing there at the place where he had seen me. I answered him with all the truth that I was afraid of the dog. He was neither sarcastic nor annoyed with what I’ve said. It appeared to be like more of being concerned. Damn, I miss my family. No tears would fall.

The gate was locked. I shook it for chances that it might be opened or they would hear me. Minutes passed that all I could see was an enveloping darkness and I could hear the barking of the dogs. I climbed the very high sharp-edged fences. I might get hurt, I am not sure but that’s the only way I could enter. I threw my phone inside landing on the grasses, then my shoes, then my bag. I stepped on the grills and grabbed the branches of trees. I could be injured anytime or I could be blamed as if acting on a crime. I continued anyway I don’t intend to cause harm to anyone. I jumped. There I went rushing with my phone, shoes, and bag as I knocked to the locked screen door. Ate Shiela came over and opened it for me. She asked me why I came home late and I told her about the school activity. She asked me if I’m alright and I told her not too fine because I’m really tired. I was not able to fix my things anymore or even change my clothes. I was knocked out. I am alive, thanks be to God.

Next morning, I was about to go to the bath room but Ate Shiela came upstairs to ask me if I had seen her mobile phones. I just found out that they were lost since the night of thursday. It was shocking because we’re thinking that it’s impossible that they might be stolen from the ones outside. So the doubts were confined inside our house. I was afraid. Yes, I’m innocent. Yes, I have not done anything that’s wrong. Yes, it’s not my personal problem. But hey, it’s a serious case. Whatever the reason why her phones are lost is a threat to all of us here in this house. It’s either the same thing could happen to us or we could be blamed by the incident or simply because I could really feel that we’re all tensed and confused, especially the sadness that it had been bringing to Ate Shiela.

Valentine’s Day might not be as sweet to me as it did to others, but I was being trained to be more active in participating with what in life are real situations I shall get involved into. I explore a variety of the world’s dimensions and discover more about myself, about other people, and the linkages to our surroundings that form interaction and bind us together as one whole community… as one whole universe. If this is how I can be taught, I accept. I want to learn either the hard way or tactically. I just need my sanity.

Lord, enough for this day. Let us all heal our wounds first before an another bloody battle. Come join us in every struggle that we face, in every problem that we solve, and in every challenge that we continue to fight for.

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A Love That Stays Forever

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In memory of the noble Shirley Temple. (This post is not all about her but I find it as a way to put some touch of her quotable line into an account that I’m going to share this time.)

There’s nothing like real love. Nothing.

Based on the paper that is written by a professional degree holder I’ve read about De-Psychologization of Love, here comes Alain Badiou’s Conditions in a Philosophy course, quoted in the first page: “The relative poverty of all that philosophers have said about love, I am convinced of that, is because they have tried to explain it through either psychology or theory of passions”. – wherein it takes a lot of time and effort to catch a glimpse of how love is defined in one of the most critical sense. True love, I’ve learned is not: 1. Classical which separates two persons from being a compensation of one another. 2. Romantic which is centered on one’s self trying to dominate the other person. 3. Child birth being the primary motivation disguised as Eroticism which devaluates the meaning of family emergence.

What captures the truth in love is by being ‘Two’. Love is built from the differences where a man and a woman find each other… Love is nothing other than an exacting series of enquiries into the disjunction, into the Two. Disregard all these texts starting from “Based on the paper…” until “… into the  Two” because for now, I do not use it as a point of view.

To my one and only Dear Family,

Everything I do, I do it for you.

Lolo and Lola. Do you have an idea of how much you give me strength? Perhaps I also cannot measure but I can feel it whenever I struggle against the raging storms that scare me. I manage to pass through darkness because I know that the light I can gather will brighten up your days.

Dad and Mom. Do you have an idea of how much you keep me going? Perhaps I also cannot measure but I can feel it whenever I skirmish getting up from stumbling. I handle myself to overcome the fears that might obstruct my vision of you being proud of me.

Tita. Do you have an idea of how much you trigger me to be hopeful? Perhaps I also cannot measure but I can feel it whenever I stay still spite of rejections. I stand across the whirling winds and ‘carry on’ for I don’t want you to see me weak, for I don’t want you to sense it.

Ivan, Romson, Angel. Do you have an idea of how you motivate your Ate? Perhaps I also cannot measure but I can feel it whenever I wake up and say ‘never quit’. I used to seem tough to sustain each stride I take today because it is my gift for you to experience a better life tomorrow.

I hope you all understand that there is some point in our life when I have to be apart from you, the people who matter to me the most; but that does not make me love you any less. I don’t always want to show you a vulnerable side of me because I don’t want to share this pain that I endure right now. It feels so sad to be alone but I never tell you. I never tell you I cry every night; instead, I answer your calls with a laugh. I don’t usually tell you I am tired, and sleepy, and hungry; instead, I tell you I’ll take a rest later. I cannot tell you that I failed a quiz; instead, I spend more hours to review my notes. I will not explain to you how hardly it takes me to get my tasks done; instead, I let you think I enjoyed them. I may not describe you how frightening it is for me to face some situations; instead, I go to church and pray. Those are the things I do everyday to take your worries away.

Let us believe that our sacrifices are making sense little by little. ‘Be the good girl I always have to be’ is the line that flashes towards me. God is with us facing the trials. He doesn’t just make them lighter loads for us, but He joins us against all odds. I ask Him, not of any amount, not of any gadget, not of any boyfriend. I ask Him to tell you that I temporarily miss you. I ask Him to show you how much I Love You. I ask Him to guide us as He never failed to stay with us in good times and in bad times. I ask Him health and safety that we may all continue living our lives to the fullest. I have yet to show you how grateful I am to nurture this kind of love inside of me- the world of no condition and of no hesitation that I will forever prove you… that each of the member of the family I belong to… plays a role of significance in performing a legendary story on this stage of nothing but perfect fantasies fused into reality.

The day will come when financial concerns won’t bother you anymore; when the house of your dream becomes our home; when old furniture will be replaced with ideal ones; when we can be supplied completely by material things we both need and want; when working is no more an obligation for I must pay you with comfort; when we may be able to help other people, too, in their circumstances and help raise themselves the way we strive for ours. Amid all these, we shall never cease to praise our glorious God.

Someday, dear family, we can live happily… ever after. I offer to you a love that stays forever.

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