Posts Tagged With: weird

miles away

There will be times when I’d rather stay awake during hours in between 10 p.m. to 5 a.m.

It is when almost everyone is sound asleep. It is when the surroundings is blatantly quiet. It is when I have nothing to blame but myself for letting the silence deafen my disturbed being. I cannot close my eyes for fear that I may miss something. I can neither feel the warmth nor coldness of the empty space building up inside of me.

What I am sure of is that, I will remember each single detail that has been happening between hours of 5:01 a.m to 9:59 p.m. when there’s nothing wrong but my perception of reality. I seem to live in a world where only myself can see. It is the moment of disillusionment that perhaps the people occupy the sensitivity of my thoughts but there’s only one thing that I am longing to be with – and this is definitely peace of mind.

Noisy. The flickering lights, the blurring shadows, the swaying curtains, the palpitating beats of whose heart, the imaginative knocks and footsteps… all so loud I am not able to notice that while I hear them, I lose the capacity to listen to my own needs and wants.

Truly, I soon realize that there will be deprived chances no matter how hard we try to get them. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel like putting pillows on my bed, I avoid cute pets, I doubt your sincerity, I won’t give a damn to your words, I pretend to be funny. Because it sucks to get attached to stuffs that will soon leave me and I call them stupid inside my head. Not admitting it is me who’s more than weird. I am an unfathomable, reckless piece of unlovable mystery.

Darling I get hurt, too; but I don’t expect you to understand somebody who does not even dare trying to confront herself. Please see to it that I am not the one who’s going to conform to your ideals. I am not even trying to put an interest seeking for ways to get close to your standards. Because I don’t impose rules which I cannot follow. By accident, too many times, I have spoken words I cannot swallow.

Days pass and the urge is becoming more irresistible. You don’t have to say it back. You don’t have to cast a promise. Free yourself. Stop. Stare. Smile.

We’ll go miles from here if we let go, still miles from here if we choose to stay.

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Perhaps Not

Tonight, these days uh whatsoever, I could not contain the uncontrollable flow of noisy blank clouds in my mind. Is it because of my caffeine intake? Perhaps not.

Few minutes shall pass as of the time of typing this nonsensical post… then hurray! Here comes another week to live by. It’s been months since I’ve written down a latest update for my blog. I am just wondering what urged me to put up the next thing on my dashboard. Is it the thought of you that does not want to leave my full-blown poetic nature? Perhaps not.

I used to live a life where I would cherish solitude until you came into the picture. Here’s to a photograph of you that seems to be stuck on the process of developing. Here goes another reason to aim hitting the highest part that it becomes harder for me to catch up. Is it the memory that gets me distracted every time it hits me? Perhaps not.

Maybe I have been looking for something else to put the blame on… because since our paths meet for a reason, I just can’t decide on my own; because we started to tell stories, and to laugh, and to deal with the mess we have; because then I began to lose track of time and I began to worry and I began to speak up. It’s just too ironic that it’s too difficult to have the phrases verbalized. Yeah we could shout stuffs out loud without trying hard for a hint of such stupidity when kidding around. Is it because I’m way too weird for you to understand? Perhaps not.

Keep on ranting. Hell, just rant at this hour! Where are my scholarly articles now? I’ve thrown them into air, floating like how I’ve been kept hanging by the illusion that you are feeling the same way close enough for me to discover that I am not an epitome of a hopeless case gazing through emptiness… A space that I, my sole being, could only occupy. Is it scaring me that someday the truth might slap my face and yell a proof of my non-existent hopes? Perhaps not.

Uncertainty. I never felt so unsure before that doubts inside my head stay as sparks of light in the middle of an irresistible darkness. This is the kind of hell that makes my soul shiver, as I might say. There’s nothing so perfect about the day or the night yet we stay totally fine under pressure. You got no idea and it’s fair because I got no idea either… whether or not you have found this site. Deny. Is it likely to happen that we got to give a damn? Perhaps not.

See, how shitty I write now. See, how disorganized my terminologies are. I choose not to admit ‘cause I wouldn’t swear I’d stand by the unsaid words. It doesn’t take only bravery. It takes one’s life. Numbness is a bittersweet cover of damn’s entirety. After all, is it the end of my unnecessary, often misunderstood, freakiness? I’m sure, IT IS NOT.

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You know you’re with true friends if you have nothing to hide about yourself.

crazy

I am supposed to upload the video I made because that has background music in it. But since .gif file is compatible, here it is. We’re so random yet the weirdness we share is what we have in common. Rock on.

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P.S. Friday the 13th

Image

That face. Now I’m warning anyone who can see this post: This is not something like my written articles before. It’s self-centered, focusing on my experience this early afternoon.

I don’t really care about this mindset of creating a mess or meeting a bad luck when the 13th day of the month drops on a Friday that some people has. Nobody and nothing can tell what’s gonna happen. So I’m sharing this story of mine probably to update my blog and let some sort of procrastination visit me before I finished writing the significance of the study as part of my paper.

Supposedly, I have to attend five classes on Wednesdays and Fridays; but since the year end is near, I only have one History class left. Situations were just beyond normal. I walked too fast which was still, normal. It felt like I’m always in a hurry especially when I’m alone. I walked, took the stairs, crossed the roads, passed through people, and while I was taking the last few strides, a jeepney already came in. Two passengers got out of it (I knew one of them and I even wondered where he came from, considering the signboard). I looked inside and I saw a boy and a girl.

Take a leap… oooops! It was a slide- Well I could blame the flooring of that vehicle which really seemed like it has been waxed. I fell to a guy, literally. He cared (and I disregarded it as romantic because it was definitely such a shame). I repeatedly said sorry and he said it’s fine. As I sat down, I saw that a pocket of my bag was half-opened (nothing has been missing anyway). It felt like a bunch of stupidity was swallowing me. I didn’t even know that the reason why the driver’s palm was pointing towards the back was because that same guy was passing his one hundred peso bill. I couldn’t look at him. The driver then returned the guy’s change from his money. My hand was full of coins and I had to pass it to him. Ofcourse he’s looking at me while I couldn’t. Then the girl passed his fare. Again, I had to turn back. The whole time that the jeepney was moving, I’m wishing that two of them (who witnessed that embarrassing moment of mine) would get out right away.

After all, it’s not my most embarrassing moment. There were lots that I couldn’t enumerate in a day. I was the last one who got out of the jeepney and with that feeling I had, I bought the first foods I saw in the streets- enough to fill my backpack. As I walked, I met a strange guy and he said ‘Hi’. I didn’t care. I went to the other side of the road and I met another strange guy and he said ‘Hello’. Do you know that feeling when you just wanted to explode out of being pissed? I knew it. I laughed inside of me to ironically keep my sanity.

I turned right, taking the street of our house. I’m looking down when I saw this cat spotted with black appeared below a car. I’m shocked because I thought it was a dog who’s gonna chase after me; and this car that appeared on my left added up to my nervousness. Again, I saw a guy (seemed rich) beside the driver’s seat. It’s not that I’m flirting with co-incidences but I found a way to somehow relate these guys out of overthinking.

When I got inside the house, they noticed that I’m weird. They even teased me. I just bursted it out. It’s like, “Oh shocks. Waaah!” blah blah blah. Screw this idea of “being unfortunate during Friday the 13th (?)” because it just fed up my imaginations of becoming even worse, instead of ignoring the unnecessary things.

Let us all move on. Or was it just me? 😉

Oh my veggies. I honestly forgot about our dinner bloc. I just woke up, flooded with their messages… ><

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